Learn how you can ride emotional waves

Little girl, first time at the beach. Wades out into the surf. Giggles as the cool water laps across the top of her feet. Wiggles her toes in the wet sand. Wades a bit deeper. Deeper still. She feels the waves gently lift her momentarily off her feet. She laughs with delight.

Then a larger wave comes along, picks the little girl up, throws her down, fills her mouth with sandy salt water, and pulls her swim suit down around her knees.

Terrified, sobbing, she stumbles back to the beach and the safety of her mother's arms.

Five minutes later she is back in the surf.

Eventually, almost all children learn to, and love to, play in the waves. In doing so, they will try out a number of strategies to deal with Mother Nature.

At first, some children wade out and attempt to race the waves back to the beach. But waves are unpredictable and fast. If we go out even a few yards, they will always surprise and outrun us.

Some children will clench their fists, plant their feet and try to overpower the waves. Of course this doesn't work. Waves always win.

Other children close their eyes and back in to the waves. It is almost as if they are pretending that if they don't see the waves, they won't be there. This doesn't work either. Waves are always there.

And a few children, sadly, simply refuse to play in the surf. They withdraw to the safety of the beach, denying themselves the enjoyment of wave riding.

What is the secret to playing in the waves? First, see one coming. Then spread your arms. Take a breath. Lift yourself up on your toes just as the wave arrives. Ride up and over it. And if you can find a friend's hand to hold while you are doing this, it is even easier.

Emotions are like waves. Emotions are always there. Having emotions, the ones we enjoy and the ones we don't, is a part of being human.

Emotions can surprise us, delight us, frighten us, and overwhelm us. We can attempt to run away from them, fight them, or try to ignore them. We can even attempt to withdraw from any experiences that prompt emotions we don't want.

None of these ways of dealing with feeling works. In fact, using any of these approaches can get us in trouble. Anxiety and depression, for example, are often the consequences of not processing our emotions healthily.

On the other hand, we can also learn to ride our emotional waves.

• We can anticipate when we will likely experience a particular emotion (like being a bit nervous before meeting someone new).

• We can accept our emotions as normal and inevitable. They just are.

• We can prepare for them - do something that relaxes us, think about what we might be looking forward to, etc.

• When the emotional waves arrive, we can ride up and over our feelings and then behave according to who we really want to be - smile, say hello, shake hands, and so on.

• And if we can talk about our emotions with a friend, this whole process is even easier.

It is true that with effort and experience our emotions can change over time. However, until we anticipate, identify, accept and move through our feelings, such change seldom happens.

Learning to "ride" our emotional waves is, then, probably one of the most important life skills we can master.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."