Birthdays don't need to be a circus

This column isn't going to make me all that popular with card companies, bakeries, toy manufacturers, clowns or kid-oriented restaurants.

I think we're overdoing the birthday thing.

Over the last few years it seems to me that birthday parties have gotten out of hand. I've seen "events" that include a mini circus, a catered meal, outdoor tents, ponies, expensive party favors, musicians, professionally supervised games and activities, elaborate cakes and treats, and rented fire engines.

Often, dozens of children are invited to these productions. And, in a sort of "party inflation," each party in a neighborhood or circle of friends winds up being more elaborate than the last.

I'm not sure what's going on here. Are we parents feeling so guilty at not spending enough time with our kids the rest of the year that we try to make it up to them with such extravagant parties?

Do we worry our children will feel shortchanged if we don't throw a birthday bash as big or bigger than the one they attended last week? Do such celebrations build self-esteem? Do they make our kids more popular? Are they just one more way of showing off?

Maybe a bit of all of the above. Yet I wonder more and more whether such parties are really all that good for our kids.

Too many times I see children totally overwhelmed by all the activity and excitement. The stress often begins days before the actual party and leaves kids emotional wrecks by the time it's over (if they make it that long). And, as special occasions seldom can live up to all a youngster's expectations, it is not uncommon for our children to come away from these celebrations disappointed as well.

We might try something different every so often. Perhaps make things more of a family affair. Or spread out your activities over three days and focus on being together and enjoying each other's company. Invite two friends on a special outing, but even then keep it fairly low key.

I suspect, by the end of it all, our children not only will have had a special time just for themselves, but will seem a lot less tired and stressed out.

We can still throw a more elaborate party the next year. Let's just opt out of the every year cycle of bigger and more elaborate birthday events.

I've shared this idea with other parents over the years and been surprised at how much support I get. Maybe it's time we all got back to basics, using birthdays as one of the many times we tell our children that they are special, but doing so in ways that are healthy for them, and for us. I think birthdays could be a whole lot happier that way.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."