Imrem: Sure signs you might be a golf addict
A field of 70 professional golf addicts is assembling for this week's BMW Championship at Conway Farms in Lake Forest.
At least the assumption is that they're addicted to the game, though they might be addicted simply to the prize money.
These men will pretend that they're working for a living while playing golf - playing golf! - for millions of dollars.
Now consider the amateur saps like me who pay millions of dollars for greens fees, equipment and gambling losses over the course of our recreational golf lives.
We live in your neighborhood and maybe even in your house. We look like you, talk like you, smell like you … but we don't think as clearly as you.
How can you spot us among the sane? Well, noted golf psychiatrist Duffy "Three-putt" Divot has crafted a test to determine whether golf addiction is circulating through your veins.
Full disclosure: Three-putt and I are planning to open a rehab center at the intersection of Hook and Shank streets in suburban Purgatory Falls.
Consider enrolling if you bogey at least nine of the following 18 symptoms:
No. 1 - You take all the drinking and drug money and waste it on a small bucket of range balls.
No. 2 - You have played the final three holes of any round in hail the size of golf balls.
No. 3 - You get out of the shower, stand naked in front of a mirror and shadow swing.
No. 4 - You watch the third round of the John Deere Classic instead of attending your daughter's oboe recital.
No. 5 - You go to your favorite diner for breakfast and tell the server to bring you Callaways over easy with a side of extra-crispy Titleists.
No. 6 - You walk into the pro shop at Swampbush Lakes, ask to get out for nine holes and start perspiring profusely when told there's nothing available for a half-hour.
No. 7 - A nearby course has a "Reserved for (your name)" next to the driving range.
No. 8 - You listen to golf tournaments on the radio.
No. 9 - You wake up in the middle of the night to watch the pretournament news conferences from the Greater Tunisian Open.
No. 10 - You legally change your daughter's name to Brandt Snedeker.
No. 11 - You're standing in a rainstorm, Noah's Ark floats past, and you still think there's no such thing as a bad day on the golf course.
No. 12 - You have been a starting golfer for decades, never practice and still throw your club after a bad shot.
No. 13 - You walk on the course as a single, you get hooked up with the Riddler, the Joker and the Penguin, and you decide to play all 18 holes before calling Batman.
No. 14 - China invades California, World War III breaks out, and you refuse to switch from the Golf Channel to CNN.
No. 15 - Your wife comes into a tavern with a stranger, she kisses him on the lips in front of you, and you order a round of Arnold Palmers for the three of you.
No. 16 - You go out for a carton of milk and come home five hours later with sand in your shoes, cut grass on your socks and no milk.
No. 17 - You're a sleepwalker and the cops repeatedly find you at 3 a.m. playing at Mini-Golf in a bathrobe.
No. 18 - You get a new golf bag and think it'll cut 5 strokes off your game.
There are others signs, like you think every first tee is the front door to a New Year's Eve party.
Seriously, this isn't a joke: call Dr. Three-putt as soon as possible if you fit this profile of a golf addict.
The sanity you save might be your own.
mimrem@dailyherald.com