Imrem: Here's how the Bears will get to 7-9

In "Ant-Man," Dr. Hank Pym declares, "As long as I am alive, nobody will ever get that formula."

I'm not that selfish. All of you are about to learn my secret for forecasting the NFL.

The Ravens to win the Super Bowl? What was I thinking? The Bears to win seven games? What was I drinking?

First the Ravens.

To be honest, that simply was last week's guess. This week the Patriots might be. Next week the Seahawks might be.

Now for the Bears.

Some have them recording as few as three victories. Some rank them 32nd in a 32-team league.

That's nonsense.

The only mystery is why the NFL is forcing the Bears to play the schedule when the following formula already makes it clear how they'll do:

Add the uniform numbers of Matt Forte and Pernell McPhee, multiply by the circumference of Kyle Long's biceps, divide by Refrigerator Perry's Social Security number, triangulate the 3 and 4 in the 3-4 defense, strangulate the average autumn barometric pressure on the lakefront …

Carry the 16 and you get 7-9.

Troubling signs must be factored in, starting with many analysts' frightening assessment that "Jay Cutler is the least of the Bears' problems."

Then, Bill George-Dick Butkus-Mike Singletary-Brian Urlacher … Shea McClellin?

Also, the Bears' season opens today in Soldier Field against the powerful Packers (12-4 last season), then proceeds to the Cardinals (11-5) and then to the Seahawks (12-4).

The Bears must win at least one of those games to eventually reach seven victories. It says here they'll be closer to winning two than none.

There are more concerns. Many, many more. Many, many, many more ... begging the question of why I'm so certain the Bears can't possibly be as bad as 3-13?

Well, no NFL team employing a rookie offensive lineman with the fabulously fabulous name of Tayo Fabuluje ever has recorded fewer than three victories.

Meanwhile, no team employing a veteran offensive lineman with the hockey goalie name of Vladimir Ducasse would dare lose 13 football games.

Those two guys - especially along with a center named Hroniss Grasu - ensure that the Bears will win at least seven games.

The NFL is populated by so many bad teams that 11 roller-skating ferrets playing all three ways should approach .500 just by showing up.

Of course, any prediction has a built-in margin of error. In this case, the Bears can finish anywhere from 6-10 to 8-8.

To descend to 6-10, Alshon Jeffery would have to be day-to-day all the way to New Year's Day. To ascend to 8-8, Cutler would have to be suspended indefinitely and fortuitously for excessive smirking.

Here's how the Bears will reach 7-9:

Green Bay 30, Bears 27.

Bears 27, Arizona 24.

Seattle 34, Bears 6.

Bears 28, Oakland 27.

Kansas City 17, Bears 9.

Detroit 31, Bears 23.

(Bye 21, Bears 21.)

Bears 20, Minnesota 17.

San Diego 34, Bears 20.

St. Louis 23, Bears 13.

Denver 51, Bears 27.

Green Bay 45, Bears 20.

Bears 24, San Francisco 20.

Bears 24, Washington 20.

Minnesota 24, Bears 0.

Bears 6, Tampa Bay 3.

Detroit 34, Bears 24.

The results might be off by a point or two in a game or two, but no more than that.

So there you have it, like it or not, 7-9.

But as fluid as the race to the NFL title will be this season, not even Dr. Hank Pym's secret formula could get the Bears into the Super Bowl.

mimrem@dailyherald.com