Family legacy can be supportive - or a trap

Editor's note: This is the second column in a three-part series.

Last week we started talking about some of the unspoken rules that family psychologist I. Boszormenyi-Nagy suggests govern family life. We took a look at the idea of "ledger balance" and how such a sense of fairness is important to healthy family functioning. A second rule suggested by Nagy has to do with what he calls the "family legacy."

My father died when I was in my early 20s. One scene from this time is indelibly etched in my mind: my uncle and I standing beside my father's hospital bed, my uncle's hand on my shoulder, the words he spoke quietly yet firmly, "It's up to you now. Your mother, your brother and sisters, they all depend on you. I know what it's like. Your father and I lost our father when I was about your age. Then it was my job to take care of the family. Be strong for them."

Barely a young adult, I was too innocent, and too frightened, to recognize that I was participating in an important family ritual. Actually, my uncle was probably unaware as well. But aware or not, both he and I were involved in the passing down of a powerful family legacy.

A family legacy is, first, a pattern or a truth (whether it is true or not) that family members consciously or unconsciously accept as governing their lives. Second, to become a legacy such a pattern or truth must also be passed down through the generations of the family.

In my family, then, one of our legacies stated that, upon the death of the father, the eldest son assumes his responsibilities for the family's survival. My uncle lived out the legacy (though I'm not sure who passed it down to him) when his father died. Now, upon the death of my own father, he had initiated me into my expected role as eldest son. (Fortunately, my mother gave me the freedom to change this legacy and continue my own life.)

Some family legacies are almost universal. They seem to be a part of most all our families' traditions. I imagine the legacy my uncle passed on to me is fairly common. Family feasts at Thanksgiving, oldest daughters who function as "assistant mothers," older children helping out in the family business - all are almost universal family legacies.

Other legacies are more unique to particular families. In one family, generation after generation of strong wives keep the family together despite their alcoholic husbands. In another family, youngest daughters stay at home and care for their aging parents. In yet another, middle sons somehow seem to never grow up. Each family's list is different.

Many, if not most, of such legacies are never really owned. Just as my uncle and I were ignorant of the legacy governing our behavior, so too are most family members unaware of the legacies they live out.

Yet the young woman who marries an alcoholic, as did her mother and her mother's mother, is probably living out some sort of legacy. So, too, is the old man who, despite illness and disability, stubbornly and destructively clings to his independence, as have his brother, his father and all the aging men in the family.

Now, family legacies are often positive. The legacy that calls upon otherwise scattered and divided family members to rally together in times of crisis can be an important source of strength.

On the other hand, a good many of our family legacies are negative. In addition to those mentioned above, there are legacies such as "You're just like your father. He was no good, too!" or, the "Mamma is always right" legacy that prevents children from ever really growing up. Or the family legacy that maintains a man's masculinity is measured by how many sons he fathers.

And sometimes even names can be part of legacies. Aunt Elizabeth's namesake niece grows up to be just like her ­- for better or worse.

The power of our family legacies is mysterious but real. And it can be dangerous as well. We can find ourselves living out a legacy that is self-destructive or destructive to others, yet not be aware of the family history behind our behaviors.

Ultimately, we're better off if we are aware of the legacies in our family life and how they influence our behaviors. We then have the power ourselves to choose to affirm the legacies that are constructive and to reject those that are destructive.

It might even be interesting to list the legacies that operate in our families. We might ask other family members - siblings, parents, aunts and uncles, etc. - for their observations. Perhaps we'll help establish a new family legacy, one of awareness, openness and freedom.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."