Laying blame won't solve relationship issues

"Hey, whose fault is this, anyway?" Seems like most of our marital spats eventually get down to trying to answer this question. We may not settle anything else, but we're sure as heck going to figure out who is to blame for whatever mess we've gotten into.

Besides making it even more difficult to resolve our relational conflicts, such portioning out of guilt is also unrealistic. The fact is, there is seldom a clear-cut hero or villain in any conflict between two people. Usually we both contribute a share to whatever problem arises.

Of course, it's always an awful lot easier to see - often in great detail - what our spouse has done "wrong." "You didn't listen." "You forgot to call me." "You never help out with anything."

But there's always the other side of the coin. "You didn't listen, and I didn't check out whether or not you really heard me." "You forgot to call me, and I was so angry I didn't call you and tell you about it." "You're the one who started throwing things, but I sure egged you on, and then threw things back rather than walking away." "You never help out much and I haven't told you I think that, or how angry I've been for all these years."

See what I mean. It's the old chicken-or-the-egg question. Which came first, or in this case, who messed up first? Our marital interactions are so complex that it's usually a waste of time (and probably impossible) to try to figure out who's to blame for any particular problem.

If we can accept that, however, it can free us to concentrate on what we can figure out. We can each confess and take responsibility for our own contributions to the problem. And, even more importantly, we can also accept that we are both part of the solution. To solve almost any marital problem, both spouses have to change to some degree. We then can work with our partner - rather than against him or her - in developing a different way of dealing with the issues or situations we face.

Of course, to make all this work, we do have to give up the short-term satisfaction of dumping a problem all at the feet of our husband or wife. We may not like to admit it, but it does sometimes feel good - at least for a while - to say "it's all your fault." These self-righteous feelings won't last long, however, for we'll soon have to admit that when we focus on blaming we're no closer to solving our difficulties than we were before.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."