'We survivors want to hear our loved one's name,' father says
Jim Frazier wants you to say his son's name — Jacob “Jake” Frazier. And the names of all the other servicemen and women killed in combat like the 24-year-old U.S. Air Force staff sergeant from St. Charles who died 12 years ago in Afghanistan.
Why? Because saying their names is a way to keep their memories alive, he says.
“Just saying, 'I'm sorry for your loss' is fine, but if you want to have a connection with these families. Ask them their loved one's name, how old he was, where did he go to school,” he said. “We survivors want to hear our loved one's name. When somebody is talking to me about my son, I want them to say his name. I want his name used. That also says their spirit is still alive because he's being remembered.”
Jim Frazier, who now lives in Lake in the Hills, has worked for the last five years as the U.S. Army's survivor outreach services coordinator for northern Illinois. He's also a member of the Memorial Day committee in Chicago.
As cathartic as the commemoration may be for families who come together, people must remember that it's all about the fallen, he says.
“It's not about Jim Frazier — it's about a 24-year-old man who gave up his life and the thousands of others who have done it also. That's what Memorial Day is about. It's not about us.”
Beyond the short-term assignment of a casualty assistance officer, survivor outreach services didn't exist when Jake Frazier, the first Illinois Air Force National Guardsman killed in action, died in 2003. The St. Charles post office on Randall Road was named after him three years later.
Jim Frazier's job now is to ensure the families of those killed on active duty have long-term support, ranging from practical things like getting benefits, to the emotional complexity of living life after such tremendous loss.
“A lot of times things are described as 'being able to move on.' We don't like that — at all,” he said. “There is a connotation that we're moving on without them and leaving them behind, therefore forgetting about them. That doesn't work.
“It's learning how to live with that hole in your heart,” he said. “The scar tissue over the years builds up, but it's still there.”
And yet, Jim Frazier says, he's happier than ever.
“I am a consequence of it, and I also think I am extremely lucky. Somebody is going to say, 'How can you be lucky when you lost your child?'” he said. “OK, I can't change that. But going forward, I am very lucky that I get to participate, and hopefully help others traveling down the same crappy road. And maybe make it a little less crappy for them.”