Q&A with work/life expert Stewart Friedman on setting home, career priorities

To Stewart Friedman, founding director of Wharton's Work/Life Integration Project, work and life aren't something to be "balanced." He argues that fuller lives and richer work comes from being clear about what's most important to you and the people who matter most to you, and integrating four domains: work, family, community and self.

The author of "Total Leadership: Be a Better Leader, Have a Richer Life" spoke recently with The Post. Excerpts:

Q: Why do you think it's important to shift from thinking about "work-life balance" to "work-life integration?"

A: The current "balance" mindset is a zero sum mindset - 'If I'm going to be successful in my career, I'm going to have to give up everything else in my life that I want.'

But that's just not true. There are indeed many examples of people who've risen to positions of power who have gone the total sacrifice route. And I'm not saying hard work and sacrifice isn't necessary - of course it is. But when you think of trade-offs and balance, you automatically give short shrift to other parts of your life that may actually be assets.

If you can shift your mindset, and think, 'What actions can I take that will benefit not just myself, not just my kids and family, not just my community, not just my work, but all four' - that's when you start to see possibilities for greater freedom. That's what I call a Four-Way Win.

Q: A Four-Way Win?

A: Being integrated in all four domains of your life: yourself, your work, your family and your community.

I took a look at six really successful people, men and women, in sports, business and entertainment, and found that they'd each found really creative ways, through trial and error, to bring together all four of these different parts of their lives over the course of their lives.

They focus on what really matters and who really matters to them. And then they take actions that are consciously and deliberately designed to make things better for them and the people around them.

That may mean taking care of yourself, which will have ripple effects on the people around you. We urge people to try experiments - concrete actions you can take, that are in your control. For example, you may decide on an experiment, "I'm going to meditate three times a week." That might benefit you, but it may also benefit your co-workers, because you may be less of a jerk at work, and you'll be able to focus more on the things that are important, and therefore be more productive. And that focus on what's important may benefit your family and community as well.

We find that when people shift their attention away from just thinking about work, and toward other parts of their lives, they end up performing better, not just at the other parts of their life, but at work as well.

Q: Really?

A: It's a paradox. Less attention to work means better performance at work. And it's because they're less distracted. They become more focused. And they're also working on the things that matter most, because they've become clearer about that.

Q: So how do people start figuring out their own Four-Way Wins?

A: One simple thing to do is to take a four-way view of your own life in four columns. It takes two minutes:

In one column, pick 100 points, and divide up how important each of the four domains is to you: work, self, family, community. If they're all equal value, they all get a score of 25.

In a second column, pick 100 points and analyze the focus of your attention in a typical week on each of the four domains. Where is your head?

In the third column, rate your satisfaction in each of the four domains on a scale of 1 to 10.

And in the last column, think about how well you perform at meeting the expectations of the people most important to you at work, at home, in your community, and for yourself, and rate each on a scale of 1 to 10.

Once you've done that, you'll be able to see, are my actions aligned with my values? If there's a disconnect, what's the impact on my satisfaction and performance in each of these domains? And if there is a disconnect, think: Is there something I could do now, that's within my control, that I don't need a lot of permission for, that would have a positive impact on all four domains?

Then map it out. There are some online assessment tools as well on totalleadership.org.

The problem is, so many women - men, too - but many women, especially mothers, are too afraid to do something good for themselves, because they fear they're going to feel guilty and selfish.

Q: What do you tell people, especially working mothers, to do? There's already so much guilt, and surveys show that parents, especially mothers, feel that they don't spend enough time with their kids.

A: We call children the "unseen stakeholders" at work. We did systemic research a few years ago, and an important finding is that the more time mothers spend on themselves - restoring and rejuvenating their own minds, bodies and spirits - the better off their kids are, with respect to their emotional health and behavioral growth.

Q: Wow. Most time diary research shows that mothers today spend very little leisure time with other adults, let alone themselves. Most of it is spent with their kids. And that's becoming increasingly true for fathers.

A: We found that the time mothers and fathers spend on child care activities doesn't seem to have an impact on their child's health.

The current cultural expectations are for overscheduled and over-attended to children. I'm not really sure what has driven that trend, perhaps it's the sense of guilt that mothers have been made to feel about breaking from the traditional values that have held sway for so long, since they moved into the workforce in the last few decades.

And that, in concert with the digital revolution, which has made the experience of work a constant presence for most people - I think those pressures combined make it easy for mothers to feel guilty.

But what we found is that it's not the time away at work, or the time in child care that seems to impact kids. But the psychological interference of work on family life does. If your head is elsewhere, if you're distracted, on your smartphone while you're with your kids, that's bad. That has a negative impact on kids. Because the kid knows, when you don't put your phone down or close your computer, that your work is more important to you than he or she is. And that hurts.

So one of the most important observations we had from the data, is that it's better not to be with your kids if you're not psychologically there.

Q: Ouch. Note to self: put the iPhone down at home. So the recent study that found no relationship between quantity of parent time and child outcomes, that quality time is what matters, didn't surprise you?

A: No, it didn't. There's a lot of wisdom in that.

Q: What about you? Do you live a Four-Way Win life?

A: For me, having taught about it, thought about it every single day, I'm doing it all the time. But it was like anything, like when you first try something, like tennis. It's a skill. You get instruction. You have exercises. And you practice until it becomes second nature.

But the more you get into the mindset - I can't do everything, but I'm going to do what's going to be of most benefit to me and the people I care most about - I've made a whole career of doing that. It's both scary - and liberating.

• Schulte anchors Inspired Life, a Washington Post blog "for a better you, a better community and a better world."