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Gire: Why I won't watch the trailer for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

<b>No, I will not watch it</b>

Stop asking me if I've seen the new trailer to “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” If I'm lucky, I won't lay eyeballs on it until after the movie opens Dec. 18.

My daughter can't believe I haven't see the trailer. Many of my colleagues have seen it. One reported on Facebook that seeing Harrison Ford as Han Solo one more time brought tears to his eyes.

Trailers can bring tears to my eyes, too. Tears of regret.

Take the trailer to Russell Crowe's new movie “The Water Diviner.” The trailer and TV commercials spoil the film's big surprise, its “Luke and Leia are siblings!” moment that changes the course of the plot and character quest.

You don't really know that a trailer has ruined narrative twists until you're in the theater or watching a movie on VOD. Then, you're saying to yourself, “Hey, I know what's going to happen next!” because the trailer (commercial) telegraphed it.

This isn't how I want to enjoy my movie experience. That's why I'm thankful I dodged the trailers for Drew Goddard's thriller “The Cabin in the Woods,” otherwise, the first jolting clue that things are not what they seem would have been ruined for me, as it was for hundreds of thousands of other moviegoers.

My daughter assures me that “The Force Awakens” trailer contains no spoilers and it won't ruin seeing the movie later. Maybe. But it won't improve my moviegoing experience one bit, either.

Hollywood marketers make movie trailers for a singular purpose: to persuade us all to buy tickets. I, along with millions of “Star Wars” fans, do not need to be persuaded to go see “The Force Awakens.” This may be the most irrelevant trailer in movie history.

I am not a “Star Wars” fan. I am a great fan of the first three “Star Wars” movies. I want to be a great fan of “The Force Awakens.” The best way I can assure this is to know as little about the production's content as possible in this age of instant communications, hacked studio computers and news bloggers with no respect for the sanctity of the pure movie experience.

What made me such a proponent of this disconnect from pop culture? “Return of the Jedi.”

Many readers probably know I was the first film critic on the planet to discover the movie's big secret.

In 1983, a shipping error sent 600 copies of Marvel Comics' adaptation of the movie to Moondog's Comics stores in Schaumburg, Palatine and Mount Prospect. The comic books weren't supposed to be released until after the movie's national premiere on May 25.

Moondog's owner Gary Colabuono tipped me off to the blunder. He'd sold all his “Jedi” comic books, except for one he saved for me.

“There's a big secret revealed, and you won't believe it,” Gary said on the telephone. “Do you want to know what it is?”

And, foolishly, being young and stupid, I said yes.

To this day, I wonder how much more I would have enjoyed seeing “Return of the Jedi” (admittedly the weakest chapter in the trilogy) had I possessed the will to just say “no” to Gary and then not open that comic book until after May 25.

I cheated myself out of a great cultural touchstone, like the killing of Bambi's mother had been for the baby boomer generation.

I published a story on the comic book bungle without revealing the secret. Still, to this day. I think about how much better it would have been to watch “Return of the Jedi” had I resisted the temptation to be the critic who knew too much.

I will wait to see “The Force Awakens” with the same giddy sense of anticipation I once mustered for the series' first two sequels. I am quite content never to see its trailer or TV commercials.

Sadly, movie companies have become so careless in their consideration of their customer base, us, that if a studio thought it could get a hundred more butts into theater seats by revealing Luke and Leia's familial link, it would do so in a Wookiee minute.

<b>Film critics notebook:</b>

Finally, it's here! The third annual Chicago Critics Film Festival starts today, May 1, at the Music Box Theatre, 3733 N. Southport Ave., Chicago. Former Naperville resident Joe Swanberg's new movie “Digging For Fire,” starring Orlando Bloom and Anna Kendrick, kicks it off. Go to chicagocriticsfilmfestival.com or chicagofilmcritics.org.

Actors Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox of the old TV series “CHiPS” will be at Naperville's Hollywood Palms Cinema at 7 p.m. Friday, May 1. “CHiPs” episodes start at 8:30 p.m. after a Q&A. Autographs cost $25. hollywoodpalmscinema.com.

Seven cast members and director Penny Marshall are also coming to Hollywood Palms Cinema at 8 p.m., Saturday, May 2, to sign memorabilia and do a meet-and-greet before a showing of “A League of Their Own,” one of the greatest sister movies ever made. Tickets cost $8. Ann Cusack, Anne Ramsay, Tracy Reiner, Kelli Simpkins, Lori Petty, Patti Pelton and Megan Cavanagh are scheduled to attend. hollywoodpalmscinema.com.

The Midwest Independent Film Festival launches the Chicago premiere of Steven Piet's “Uncle John,” about a mysterious disappearance that some people want to keep mysterious, at 7:30 p.m. Monday, May 5, at the Century Centre in Chicago. Go to midwestfilm.com for tickets.

WGN's Nick Digilio pays tribute to the late Leonard Nimoy with a showing of the 1982 classic “Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan.” Bring Kleenex. It's part of the Nick Digilio Film Club at Carmike Muvico Theaters Rosemont 18, at 7 p.m. Tuesday, May 5. Go to carmike.com.

Classic Cinemas' Woodstock Theatre will be raising “Kane” at 7 p.m. Wednesday, May 6, with an HD digital showing of Orson Welles' classic movie “Citizen Kane.” May 6 marks Welles' 100th birthday. Admission costs $7. The entire Welles fest, with programs, panels and movies, runs through May 23. Go to welleswoodstock.com.

The Blue Whiskey Independent Film Festival presents the Chicago-made thriller “The Fugitive,” directed by Chicago filmmaker Andy Davis, at 7:30 p.m., Wednesday, May 6, at the Star Cinema Grill, 53 S. Evergreen Ave., Arlington Heights. Admission costs $6 in advance, $8 at the door. Go to bwiff.com.

It's the manly second part to Dann & Raymond's Movie Club presentation of “The Silver Screen's Great Sex Symbols,” 7:30 p.m. Thursday, May 7, at the Schaumburg Township District Library, 130 S. Roselle Road, Schaumburg. Free admission. Clips from such classics as ... wait! It's a secret for club members. schaumburglibrary.org.

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