Second marriage is not a father-replacement system

Q. I am considering getting remarried three years after an awful divorce. I had young twins, now 5. The man I'm with has a lot of parenting know-how, and we can meld our families really well. But the person who is a better fit for me is someone I was with a few years back, who "gets" me and is more selfless than anyone I've ever been with.

If I pick the guy who's best for my kids, I lose out. If I pick the guy who's better for me but has no parenting experience, my kids lose out. How can I pick?

A. Marriage is not a father-replacement system! You can't separate the quality of the parenting from the quality of the primary relationship in a child's home. Ack.

If you "lose out" with Mr. Know-How, your kids do, too - and that's before we get into how the man himself feels about his selection as unpaid nanny under the false pretense of being your intimate life partner. The selfishness of what you've proposed here is breathtaking; I can only hope you've had post-traumatic-divorce, child-centric blinders on and will get this when they're removed.

If Mr. Better Fit is just that, better than the other guy, then the answer is: You don't have to marry anyone. Don't force it.

If instead you're certain about Mr. B-F (how that's possible on memory alone while "with" and contemplating marriage to another guy, I won't even try to parse), and "has no parenting experience" is your only concern - then, remember, that description fits the best father in the history of humanity the moment before he first held his child. What matters is that he's kind, trustworthy, flexible, and committed to doing right by your kids.

Of course if he's not these things, he's out.

We could spend days pointing our flashlights into every corner of the decisions you're facing, but that's its own answer: You don't even have your feelings and priorities straight yet, so any decision is premature. The commitment to make now is to getting your rudder fixed.

Even if you feel calm and assured in your purpose, when a decision to marry is either-or, the answer is always neither. Marry when there's no doubt it's the right person, right time, just right.

The scorched landscape of your last marriage is still fresh in your mind, so please summon those images as a reminder to be patient anytime you feel pressured to choose this partner or that, my needs or theirs, marry or not. Your job is to maintain a loving and stable home for your children now, today, with what you have. Introduce change only when you're confident it brings more love and stability to all, in proven, sustainable ways.

Q. My son has recently started dating a nice girl who both my wife and I like and enjoy.

They have been living in our home for about six months, saving to get their own place. That happens this week.

We have treated them to many things she hadn't experienced where she used to live. We're not talking European vacations, just things like nice dining, events, shows, etc.

Here's the rub: My son's birthday is coming up and I have purchased two tickets to a show I know he will love. I would like to go with him, just the two of us. I am sure feelings will be hurt because she won't be included, and I'm sure she would also love to go. I could just give them both of the tickets, which I don't want to do. How to proceed? No good deed goes unpunished.

A. Why do you assume punishment? "Hey, Son, I'd like to take you to X, just the two of us." Give your dim worldview a chance to surprise you by not coming true.

If experience tells you it will, then I still advise you to invite your son straight-up, like it's the most natural thing in the world.

For one thing, it is. And, it's an experience you're excited about, so you both deserve a chance at it. He can always say no.

And, I also get the impression it's a Statement you'd like to make. You're not acting like a guy who wants to take his kid to a show; you're acting like someone who wants to stand up for himself, but needs to take a deep breath - and assure himself it's worth the fallout - first.

If that's true, then make sure you understand what you're standing up to/for before you mount your resistance. Do you ... resent that your generosity is now expected? Believe your son and his girlfriend are moving too quickly? Notice that she pressures him to be with her 24/7, and that he doesn't grasp how controlling that is? Merely feel the passage of time?

Either way, the advice is, invite him - just open your eyes to the why.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.