Lessons in what it means to be a man

I've been seeing a lot of angry men lately.

Sometimes they come to me as part of a marriage that just isn't working the way it ought to. Other times they come on their own.

They don't always know how angry they are; they might not even know they are angry at all. But as we talk, sooner or later the anger spills out.

Men are angry about any number of things. To start with, the rules for being a man in our culture don't seem to apply anymore. It's like the instructional manual is out of date or something. The models of maleness we were offered by our fathers and uncles, or saw on TV or in the movies, all seem strangely irrelevant.

It used to be if we learned a skill or trained for a profession, worked hard, became strong and self-sufficient, took care of our family … we knew things would work out. That's what men did, we were taught, and if we did it good enough, everything else would fall into place.

None of that seems to be true anymore. The skill or profession we mastered may be outmoded or in "oversupply" as soon as we learn it. Work hard and we're still not guaranteed a raise, or promotion, or even a job for that matter.

And strength and self-sufficiency somehow no longer are enough, either. People, especially people close to us, seem to want more. They ask us to be open, vulnerable, to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. Now we're supposed to be best friends to our wives, nurturers to our children.

Yet we're still supposed to be caretakers. We may not even be able to hold down a job, let alone figure out what all this closeness is that our family wants from us, yet somehow as men we're still supposed to take care of them. No wonder we're angry.

Angry men do strange things. Sometimes we just try all the harder to make things work the way they used to. If we just work longer hours, are stronger, we think we can set things straight

Other times we just give up. In our anger and despair we turn to alcohol, or throw our money around, or chase after get-rich-quick schemes, or hang out with the guys, or even strike out with violence against those closest to us. Or perhaps we just get good and depressed.

My guess is most of us alternate between trying harder and giving up. We wind up running in circles, feeling all the more angry in the process.

As I work with angry men in counseling, it seems to me that underneath it all we're really more scared than angry. All of us need to see ourselves as worthwhile, both in the world of work and the world of relationships. When our sense of worth is threatened, it is frightening to even the most secure of us.

If we are good providers, husbands and fathers the way we were taught to be, and it doesn't work, what's left?

Ironically, the solution to our male dilemma might be found in doing some of those same risky things we're afraid of.

First, we need to confess to ourselves we can't do a whole lot about the economy. We can try to prepare ourselves for change, and, I guess, learn to go with the flow. Men in other generations have survived economic upheaval, we will too.

Second, we can realize there is much more that makes men worthwhile than our ability to earn a living. We have worth just for being people, regardless of what we do. And other traditional male characteristics - rationality and order, and appreciation of work, a delight in risk and adventure - can all be expressed in positive, worth-enhancing, ways.

Third, we can open ourselves to new values and skills. We can learn how to be close, to be vulnerable, and to be nurturing. Actually, the intimacy that our wives and children need from us involves not only our giving, but our receiving as well. If we open ourselves to those we love, we will more deeply experience their love in return. And we will discover that we are valued not just because we take care of others, but simply because we are who we are.

Finally, we men need to start talking about our anger and the fear that underlies it as the first step toward change. Such talking will take courage, but courage, at least, is something men have been taught about.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."