Imrem: Yes, Cutler is still Bears' quarterback
The Derrick Rose conversation is so exasperating that it's time to move on to some other frustrating local sports issue.
Oh, no, to Jay Cutler?
Yes, to Jay Cutler.
What, you thought we were going to discuss something like curveballs flattening out in Arizona?
Sad to say, it's football season. Every day in America is football season.
Tuesday was the first day of the NFL's year. The league is so powerful, the rest of the world is considering changing New Year's Day from Jan. 1 to whenever Roger Goodell declares it to be.
So, are you ready for some football?
ESPN reported early Tuesday morning that the Bears will bring back Cutler for at least one more season.
New general manager Ryan Pace and new head coach John Fox didn't say, "Jay is our quarterback," but all indications are that he still is whether you like it or not.
The Dow responded by plunging more than 300 points. Hillary Clinton called a news conference to clarify that she never sent an email from her personal server advising the Bears to keep Cutler. Only Rose had the audacity to defiantly shrug, "Who cares?"
The Bears otherwise were relatively quiet on a wild day of NFL wheeling and dealing after they earlier dumped Brandon Marshall and agreed to sign Pernell McPhee.
(Full disclosure: Until this week I would have thought "Pernell McPhee" was the next British actor destined to win an Academy Award.)
The biggest Bears news was that their biggest move looks like it'll be not moving Jay Cutler.
Now let's answer a few questions you must have for me on this subject.
Q. Has your hope of being rid of Cutler been building by the day, hour or minute?
A. By the millisecond.
Q. Did you think the Bears would be able to find a trade partner for Cutler?
A. Absolutely. There are 31 other NFL teams, and research indicates that at least one of every 31 Americans is terminally gullible.
Q. Why do you dislike Cutler so much?
A. No reason other than that he has never written a column on deadline from a "Monday Night Football" game, but he still gets to be taller than me, better looking, married to a reality-TV star, worth dozens of millions of dollars and able to get away with smirking through life.
Q. Did Cutler wear down your patience over time or knock you down all at once?
A. Wore me down interception by interception, then knocked me down all at once last weekend when I realized that the only good thing about turning the clock ahead was one hour less of Jay Cutler.
Q. Don't you realize that the Bears don't have anybody to replace Cutler?
A. Look, this is like any other kind of marriage. You're better off alone than with somebody who makes your life miserable.
Q. Is anyone out there who would be a solution at the position for the Bears?
A. They could design an entire playbook of misdirection plays with Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly executing them on alternate series.
Q. Where do you expect Cutler to be in five years?
A. Los Angeles, playing for an NFL team to be named later and tossing deflated interceptions to inflated defensive tackles.
Q. Which will happen first, Jay Cutler throwing a touchdown pass for the Bears or Derrick Rose hitting a 3-pointer for the Bulls?
A. Patrick Kane scoring a hat trick for the Blackhawks.
mimrem@dailyherald.com