How men use the word 'drama' to win fights against women

If you've ever dated online, you've surely noticed how many people are on the lookout for drama. “Not into playing games or drama,” is a classic cliché, a boogeymen of dating.

But drama is one of those words whose meaning shifts depending on who's using it. The specter of “being dramatic” or “causing drama” is often used by people who want to minimize their partner's legitimate concerns or who are uncomfortable with expressions of emotion. The term “drama” can quickly become a substitute for calling the other person “crazy” or “irrational.”

It doesn't help that there are sociological, even biological, differences between how men and women handle conflict.

“Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around,” says Deborah Tannen, a linguistics expert at Georgetown University. “For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.”

This socialization toward a “win at all costs” attitude is exacerbated by differences in neurochemistry, as well. During times of stress, the hormones cortisol (which makes us feel anxious) and oxytocin (which prompts feelings of love and nurturing) are released into the bloodstream. Men, however, produce lower amounts of oxytocin than women. As a result, men tend to respond to stress by becoming angrier and more aggressive.

As a result, men frequently feel the need to shut down an argument in such a way that they “win.” When their partner responds aggressively, or emotionally for that matter, accusing them of being “overly dramatic” is a way of shutting down and delegitimizing their concerns.

“My ex-boyfriend didn't like any issues that dealt with the way that he made me feel,” Arianna, a 23-year old copy editor, told me. (She asked that her last name be withheld because she was speaking about a personal issue.) “If I would mention anything regarding the ways he would put me down in front of his friends or the way he would deflect any of my concerns with jokes, he would accuse me of just causing drama.”

“It used to drive him crazy when I'd start to cry,” she said. “It had nothing to do with him or being sad, it's just something that happens when I get worked up. He knew that, we used to joke about it together. But during arguments, I'd well up a little, and he'd get offended. He would claim I was using crying to ‘win,' somehow.”

The conflict-as-contest approach frequently takes its toll on the emotional health of the relationship.

But for all the times when legitimate issues are exacerbated by differences in styles of conflict resolution, there are also times when a partner will deliberately exacerbate or even invent conflict. Some people really do seem to thrive on manufactured or unnecessary conflict. Drama gives them meaning and excitement — they are at the center of the hurricane, not just drudging through the banality of life.

And a relationship provides no end of potential fuel. Conflict can always be invented or escalated: Why were you talking to him? What does that mean? Why are you always taking their side? This other person would do it for me, why won't you? Unreasonable demands can be parlayed into instant martyrdom. Guilt can be weaponized, as can a partner's insecurities and anxieties.

The great paradox of drama is that it's both incredibly toxic, yet surprisingly addictive for both sides. Drama in a relationship makes everything more intense; it's a continual cycle of mountainous emotional highs and devastating lows. Yet no relationship can survive a continual emotional roller-coaster; the never-ending whiplash is exhausting.

Drama leaves you feeling drained and emotionally exhausted. Drama asks you to take responsibility for someone else's actions. It's one thing if you choose to do something for someone because you care about them and you want to make them happy. It's another if you're only agreeing to because you're afraid of the potential fallout if you refuse. But by establishing strong boundaries and not allowing yourself to get pulled in, you can defuse the drama bomb and help insulate your relationships against unnecessary conflict.

• O'Malley is a dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, the Dr. NerdLove podcast and The Good Men Project.