Constable: Clowns, farmers among online Valentine's dating options
The Daily Herald email filter quarantines the flirty message in my inbox before I even have a chance to explain things to my wife of almost 27 years.
Literally clowning around while researching this Valentine's column on interesting dating websites, I register on ClownDating.com and soon am told that some clown "wants to get to know you better!"
The clowns are a bit more subtle than FarmersOnly.com, which sends me daily "Hey, Farmer0494729: Find out who likes you!" lists of suburbanites longing to date a farmer. That website's popularity probably gets a boost from "The Bachelor," the TV reality romance show that features Iowa farmer Chris Soules for this season's love connection. Suburbanites bare their souls on the farmer dating website.
"Green Acres Anyone???" reads the come-on from cowboy3661519, who is 46 and lives in Des Plaines.
"I love long walks along the cornfields and frolicking alongside my wonderful livestock," reads the FarmersOnly post from 20-year-old JosephPa of Bloomingdale.
"I love my country. I know and love trucks. I love to fish. I can handle a gun," reads the post from 18-year-old CountryGirl1323 of Mundelein.
"I was raised in a small town in northern Wisconsin," read the words next to a photo of rdnckgrl94, 19, of Westmont holding a nice bass she caught. " Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the suburbs."
Being stuck in a bad situation is the glue that binds people together on GlutenFreeSingles.com.
"You feel a sense of comfort and ease when dating someone who shares the same dietary lifestyle," reads the email from Marcella Romaya, explaining why she founded the gluten-free dating website with friend Sheri Grande as a way to bring together people with celiac disease and other gluten intolerances.
It doesn't qualify as an actual disease, but some suburbanites are willing to build a relationship around a mutual admiration for the Ayn Rand novels "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged."
"I am fit, but very curvy. I'm a laying by the fruitbowl in an Italian painting kind of woman, and quite frankly that is how I like to be," reads the profile of a 44-year-old Mundelein woman who is looking for a man on TheAtlasphere.com and knows what she wants. There are no "long walks on the beach" or "getting caught in the rain" among her turn-ons.
"I believe in small government, freedom, and personal social responsibility," she coos. "I'm willing to bear the full consequences of my actions, and I'm happy to take the credit when I succeed."
Sounds as if that line might work with the 49-year-old Buffalo Grove man whose online profile on the Ayn Rand dating website notes that he's "sarcastic, witty and cromulent."
Cromulent might also be a good adjective to describe the Tea Party woman with the user name of Palin4Life, who uses her outspoken political views to woo TheAtlasphere males.
Politics aren't taken as seriously on ClownDating.com, but that doesn't mean those clowns aren't serious about making connections.
"It's no fun looking for love when you're a clown," the website note. "Behind all the makeup and the red nose is a lonely heart. Clowns are unique entertainers loved by some yet feared and hated by others. Luckily Clown Dating is here to help."
Meatballs from Streamwood is one of many clowns, clown wannabes or clown lovers the website attracts from Lombard, Palatine, Des Plaines, Naperville and throughout the suburbs. If you tend to judge a man by the shoes he wears, this might be the website for you.
A Naperville woman who goes by the name RussianPony prefers horse shoes as one of many suburban members at EquestrianCupid.com, which matches up horse lovers. If you prefer growing your own mane, MulletPassions.com might be the website for you. PURRsonals.com matches up cat lovers, while YouMustLoveDogsDating.com does the same for canine fans. Or, if it's beverages that pique your romantic interests, coffeepassions.com might be the dating website for you.
Just because our world now offers much more specific dating websites doesn't mean that finding the perfect match is easy. A horse-riding clown who can't eat wheat but loves to sip a great cup of coffee while reading "Atlas Shrugged" still needs to put in some effort.