Are you speaking your child's love language?

Michelle Stieb of Schaumburg showers her 2-year-old daughter, Skyler, with plenty of hugs and kisses.

As a treat, the toddler particularly enjoys snuggling in her parents' bed with her favorite blanket.

"That might not be a big deal for adults," said Stieb, a mother of two girls. "But for kids it's special."

When it comes to expressing love as a parent, understanding your child's preferred method of receiving that love is key, said Gary Chapman, co-author of "The 5 Love Languages of Children." Chapman, who first introduced the popular love language theory in 1992 with the book titled "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate," believes everyone has a primary love language or way of receiving love. These include: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.

"When a child grows up feeling loved by the parents that child has the greatest potential of having healthy emotional relationships," Chapman said. To learn a child's love language, which can change through the years as he or she grows, Chapman recommends parents observe their youngsters' behaviors, even their complaints.

A child who seems disinterested upon receiving a souvenir from Mom and Dad's vacation might not speak the primary love language of receiving gifts, Chapman said. But that same youngster who would rather hear all about the trip might speak the love language of quality time.

"If a child brings home a piece of art from school and you say, 'Oh honey that's nice. I'm proud of you,' that's words of affirmation," Chapman said. "But if quality time is their language you can say those things but also say, 'What were you thinking about when you made this picture?' Asking children questions about what they're involved in gives them the opportunity to share with you what they're thinking and feeling. You're helping your child learn the skills for relationships."

Keeping an eye on children's behaviors also can tell you whether their love tanks - a term Chapman uses throughout his Love Languages series - are full. The idea of having a full or empty love tank is a concept young minds can easily comprehend, he said.

"If they're misbehaving all the time, if they're trying to get your attention by doing negative things, you can assume their love tank is empty," Chapman said. "You can say, 'How full is your love tank? What can I do to help fill it?'"

For Chapman, his children's love languages of physical touch and quality time became apparent when he came home from work each day to find his then-4-year-old son clinging to his leg and climbing all over him when he tried to sit down. His daughter was the exact opposite.

"Our daughter never did that," Chapman said. "When I came home she would say, 'Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you something.'"

Naperville mom Jamie Sidwell, a recruiting specialist and corporate trainer and coach, said her primary love language is acts of service, while her secondary language is physical touch. She's still trying to figure out her 2-year-old daughter Abigail's love language.

"My whole philosophy is making sure she feels heard and respected," said Sidwell, who uses the love language concept in her coaching work. "A lot of times she'll ask for affirmations. I have a feeling that's one of her love languages."

Sidwell thinks everyone requires all five languages to some degree.

"It's wise to give (children) all five and see what makes them feel best," Sidwell said. "I don't think it's a good idea to leave any of the five love languages out in any relationship."

Giving and receiving love between parents and kids is a matter of personality, style and age, said Amy Henderson, a clinical counselor for Edgewood Clinical Services in Naperville and a mom of four children ranging in age from 4 to 11.

"When it comes to connecting with children, it truly is an individual style," said Henderson, whose caseload includes families, couples, children and teens. "Teens and toddlers definitely need different things."

Henderson recommends establishing a positive relationship with children well before the teen years. Life events that might seem like small potatoes to an adult - such as being upset over a video game or excited about helping in class, can be a big deal to a kid, and should be acknowledged, she said.

"With children, being playful, fun and spending quality time is important," Henderson said. "Words of affirmation, acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, listening and allowing them to know they are important all are helpful to demonstrate love."

Remaining mindful of a child's love language cues ensures he or she is not only loved, but knows it, Chapman said.

"The question is not 'Do you love your child?'" Chapman said. "The question is 'Does the child feel loved?'"

Discover your love language

• Words of affirmation: Use of words to affirm other people

• Acts of service: Actions speak louder than words

• Receiving gifts: Some people feel loved when they receive gifts

• Quality time: Giving the other person your undivided attention

• Physical touch: To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

Source: <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com">www.5lovelanguages.com</a>