Depp's 'Mortdecai' a frightful, crashing bore
"Mordecai," based on the 1970s comic novels by British author Kyril Bonfiglioli, aims for the zingy retro feel of a vintage Peter Sellers or Terry-Thomas feature from the Swinging Sixties.
But director/A-list screenwriter David Koepp ("Jurassic Park," "Panic Room," "Spider-Man") creates an anachronistic mess that fails to re-create the breezy tone or snappy rhythm of the classic caper movies it aims to pastiche.
Depp plays aristocratic British art dealer Lord Charlie Mortdecai as a human Looney Tunes character, a snobbish playboy narcissist so enamored of his comically absurd new mustache that he risks driving his disapproving wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow) to divorce.
The disreputable gaptoothed rogue spots a chance to escape financial ruin when a rare Goya canvas disappears after a lethal robbery.
Grudgingly recruited for his art-world expertise by suave MI5 agent and longtime love rival Alistair Martland (Ewan McGregor), Mortdecai jets off to find the stolen painting and exploit the priceless secret rumored to be hidden on its reverse side.
In his accent and mannerisms, Charlie Mortdecai appears to owe a heavy debt to the small-screen creations of Depp's friend, the British TV comedian Paul Whitehouse.
Whitehouse plays Mortdecai's colorfully foul-mouthed car mechanic, who also has a shady sideline fencing stolen artworks. Paul Bettany plays his thuggish, sexually irresistible manservant Jock Strapp.
"Mortdecai" comes stuffed with stars and classic farce ingredients, but its fatal flaw is an almost surreal lack of jokes.
The main players mug desperately for the camera, milking every possible lowbrow sexual innuendo and clumsy slapstick mishap in novice screenwriter Eric Aronson's thin script.
Ironically, these overcooked performances are often more hindrance than help when the occasional funny line arises.
Depp's fruity English accent is palatable enough. McGregor's smarmy approximation sounds forced. Only Paltrow emerges from this farrago with any real acting credit, playing Johanna with straight-faced understatement while all around her are losing their heads.
In this film, women are insatiable nymphomaniacs. Americans are vulgar materialists. Brits are upper-class dimwits. These caricatures are too crude to be offensive, but also too stale and lazy to be funny.
The final set piece, which takes place at an upmarket London art auction house, brings all the characters and subplots together in an orgy of cartoonish violence and triple-cross deceptions that quickly becomes tiresome.
For all its minor offenses against taste and decency, the sole unforgivable sin that "Mortdecai" commits is one that would leave its rakish anti-hero aghast.
Because the film that bears his name is ultimately a frightful, crashing bore.
“Mortdecai”
. ½
Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Bettany, Ewan McGregor, Olivia Munn
Directed by: David Koepp
Other: A Lionsgate release. Rated R for language, sexual situations. 106 minutes