Making the most of New Year's resolutions

"I'm going to lose 20 pounds this winter! (OK, I confess, that's the 10 pounds I said I was going to lose last winter, plus the extra 10 I gained this fall.)"

"I will be nice to my ex-wife! (Whatever that means.)"

"Somehow, I'm going to get a good job! (How, I'm not sure, but somehow.)"

"I'm going to take up sky diving! (I've got to do something different.)"

"I'm going to stop smoking! (I probably can't; I'm not very strong-willed; I never stick to anything; but I'll try, I guess)."

A good many of us go through an annual ritual this time of year called "Making New Year's Resolutions."

It is a rather strange custom as it seems to involve thinking of all the things we don't like about ourselves, deciding to change some or all of them, and then not doing much of anything (except perhaps getting frustrated with ourselves).

What is it about making such decisions to change that seems so compelling, yet so dooms us to failure?

All in all, I think the idea behind the tradition of making New Year's resolutions is usually pretty good. Most of us realize we have areas of our lives in which we need to make changes. There are things we need to be rid of (like pounds), relationships we need to work on, situations we need to move out of or into, interests we need to explore to keep from getting stale, habits we need to alter.

Recognizing such needs and deciding to do something about them is both mature and healthy. Somehow, though, there seems to be a problem somewhere between the recognizing and deciding and the actual changing. What happens?

I can think of a number of reasons why most of our good intentions end in disappointment and frustration.

First, many of us are way too ambitious in what we set out to accomplish. Losing weight, for example, is a long and difficult process. It involves much more than a new fad diet. It is a matter of slowly and intentionally changing our eating and exercising habits on a long-term basis.

When we decide we will lose 20 pounds in a short period of time, we are probably being overly ambitious. Because our goal is unrealistic, we fail to even come close and wind up abandoning the whole idea (even though it is a good one) out of frustration at our failure.

A second problem with many of our resolutions to change is that they are too general. If we don't have something specific to work for, we'll never know if we succeed or not.

Being nice to our ex-wife may be a good idea, but what are we really talking about? What does it mean to be nice? How will we know if we are achieving our goal?

"Nice" is just too general an idea to give us something tangible to shoot for.

Third, even when our resolutions are not overly ambitious or too general, we may be doomed to failure because of our inability or unwillingness to plan effectively to make the changes we are seeking to make.

Deciding that we need a new job is fine, but chances are we won't have much success if we sit back and wait for some new employer to come knocking. Nor will wandering in and out of local businesses probably produce many positive results. Such a haphazard, unplanned approach to change is another easy path to eventual failure.

Fourth on my list of reasons why our good intentions often end in disappointment and frustration is that sometimes we don't really have a good reason to follow through on our ideas.

We don't "own" our goals. We may have a general sense that we need to make some changes, but not be too sure exactly what we want to work on.

If we resolve to take up an activity like sky diving, for instance, not because we are particularly interested in it, but just because we need to do something (or anything) new, chances are we won't have the motivation to follow all the way through on our resolution. And that's just another failure to add to our list.

A fifth and final reason for our often failed New Year's resolutions is a bit different and perhaps more important. It has to do with whether we have confidence in our ability to change.

A good many people I counsel struggle with a deeply felt sense of being powerless in their own lives. They feel out of control, and unable to do anything about it. Some people not only believe they can't help themselves, they're convinced nobody else can help them either.

These people will still set goals for themselves (like stopping smoking), but are in reality convinced that they have no real hope of ever achieving these goals. Believe it or not, often such a defeatist attitude will lead us to make resolutions that are too ambitious, too general, unplanned, or unowned, just so we can live down to our conviction that we can't do anything right.

Ultimately, we just set ourselves up for another failure, which adds to our belief that we are powerless.

Now that I've spelled out all these reasons why New Year's resolutions don't work, I'd better offer you a few ideas on how to make resolutions that do work.

1. Make realistic resolutions: investigate what really is achievable, how long it will take, etc. Then set a personal goal that you're fairly sure you can accomplish. Make it a challenge, but not an impossibility. Twenty pounds in 2004 fine; 20 pounds this month, probably not.

2. Be specific: if at all possible, describe exactly how your behavior will be changed if you accomplish your goal. Make it apply to you. You can't take responsibility for anyone else's changes.

"I will say one nice thing to my ex-wife and smile each time I see her." Of course, she may never smile at you. But your goal is to change your behavior, not hers.

3. Plan: write down step by step what you will need to follow through on your resolution and when you will accomplish it.

"I will write a new resume by Jan. 20. I will have it printed by Jan. 30. I will make a list of potential employers by Feb. 10." Plan, and follow your plan.

4. Own your goal: if you don't believe in it, don't do it. Don't just make resolutions for something to do. Invest your time and energy in developing goals that you are excited about and proud of.

5. Reward your effort: give yourself credit for the progress you do make, rather than always being down on yourself for what you don't accomplish. Build rewards into your planning.

If you want to stop smoking, for instance, you might treat yourself to a nice lunch (no overeating, please) every time you cut a cigarette from your daily total. Work on building up your faith in your ability to take control of and make changes in your life.

If we invest some extra thought and energy as we make our New Year's resolutions or other personal goals, we don't have to doom ourselves to failure and frustration. Change is never easy, but then, nothing worth doing ever is.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."