Imaginary friends have real-life benefits

Christian Norment and Jim love to play together, pretend fight and build castles.

They even help each other clean up toys. But when toys break, go missing or aren't put away, it's usually Jim's fault.

The first time Jessy Kean heard her 4-year-old stepson, Christian, talk about Jim, she thought he was a friend from school. The Romeoville stepmom quickly realized that Jim doesn't exist. He's imaginary.

Experts agree that parents shouldn't be concerned about imaginary friends, because they are a normal and beneficial part of child development. About 65 percent of children by age 7 have had an imaginary friend at some point in their lives, according to a study by University of Washington and University of Oregon psychologists.

Imaginary friends are a developmental achievement, according to Mark McKee, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Naperville. They help children acquire the ability to be alone without being attached to a parent. McKee said a lot of gifted children have imaginary friends because it gives them a creative and intellectual outlet.

“It starts out with pretend play, but children with imaginary friends take it a step above that,” McKee said. “They don't need an external object to focus on or interact with.”

Joseph Roszkowski, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of services at Pathways Psychology Services in Winfield, said imaginary friends are beneficial for children. For example, an imaginary friend can fulfill a child's wish for a pet or sibling. A child may also use the make-believe friend to sort through feelings and frustrations, he said.

Imaginary companions have other positive benefits. Studies show that children can use imaginary friends as a coping mechanism when they experience trauma, grief or life-changing events.

Laura McGuinn's 8-year-old daughter, Rita, started a make-believe friendship while at drama camp when she was 7. Rita was getting teased at camp, and created Emily for a sense of companionship. Rita didn't mention Emily for a while, but the imaginary friend reappeared when Rita went to a new school.

“Imaginary friends are a good, healthy way for kids to cope with big changes,” McGuinn said. McGuinn is a developmental and behavioral pediatrician, as well as a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health.

If you hear your child fighting with or disciplining an imaginary friend, don't be alarmed. By doing this, your child is developing a sense of empathy through experimentation with different perspectives, said Jason Rafferty, a triple board resident at Brown University, and a member of the AAP Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health.

Most children develop imaginary friends between the ages of 3 and 5, but studies show that some children can have imaginary friends until age 12.

According to McKee, an imaginary friend's length of stay varies depending on the child. “Some imaginary friends can be around the house for years and become a part of the family,” he said with a laugh.

The majority of children, about 70 to 80 percent, know their imaginary friends are pretend. But at the same time, “Their experiences with the imaginary friends are very real,” Rafferty said.

A make-believe friend doesn't have to be a person. It could also be an animal or an imaginary creature of some kind, McKee said.

For example, when McKee's 24-year-old daughter Jessica was 5, she had an imaginary friend named Mr. Airy, who was made of air and could disappear at any time.

“Mr. Airy did all kinds of bad stuff around the house,” McKee said. “It was Jessica's way of avoiding responsibility for making a mess or doing something else.”

McKee said imaginary friends like Mr. Airy serve a great function. They alleviate responsibility for missed deeds and help maintain children's perceived self-esteem in front of their parents.

When children blame bad behavior on their imaginary friends, it creates a conflict for parents, Rafferty said. They don't want to deny the existence of the imaginary friend, but at the same time they want their children to learn about responsibility.

Rafferty said parents can teach their child a lesson, without negating the imaginary friend. According to Rafferty, if your child claims that his imaginary friend, Donny, made the mess, you could say, “You and Donny clean up while I go downstairs,” or “Even if Donny did this, it still needs to be cleaned up.”

Let your child take control of the narrative, Rafferty said. By navigating the relationship between the imaginary friend and you, your child will feel a sense of empowerment.

“It's an opportunity to get to know your child on a level you wouldn't otherwise be able to,” Rafferty said. “And sometimes it's fun to play along in the narrative. This is a way to get into that imaginary fun part of being a child and engage with them on that level.”