Evaluate your family's strengths as holidays approach

For a good many of us, the next few months will be a time of increasing involvement with our families. Even if we do not have the chance to actually spend time with parents, siblings, cousins, in-laws and so on, our thoughts will increasingly center on these relationships and their past, present and future importance to us.

Such an intense family focus can teach us a lot about the way our family does - and doesn't - work. As we gather for parties, meals, gift-giving, etc., or talk over the phone, or simply remember holidays past, we will begin to recognize the strengths of our families, as well as sense some of their weaknesses.

To better help us to focus on how our families function, let me suggest some questions we might ask ourselves as we approach our holiday celebrations.

1. Does our family allow us to be both intimate and distant? A healthy family is comfortable when members need to be close (a hug, an "I love you," a heart-to-heart talk). We are not afraid that such closeness will be smothering. Yet, in such families, it is also accepted that each person needs some space to be left alone (to read a book, to take a walk). Distance is not seen as rejecting.

2. Does our family accept the expression of emotions, yet also encourage us to think through decisions rather than just do what we feel like doing? We need to be able to constructively express our emotions, even the less pleasant ones. At the same time, we want to base our decisions on what we think, logically reasoning through what makes sense to us.

3. Is communication in our family frequent, inclusive (including everyone involved), direct, clear and affirming? We need to be able to talk freely and skillfully with other family members and in such a way that we all feel closer and more positive about ourselves because of it.

4. Do we deal with conflict when it arises and in such a way that everybody wins? Nothing can be more destructive to a family than carrying around a load of "unfinished business" - for example, the argument that started last Christmas and still isn't finished this Christmas. And when we do work through a disagreement, it is important our solution leaves everyone feeling like their views and needs have been respected.

5. Finally, and perhaps most important, do we feel good about being family? At its best, family is not an obligation we must meet, but a relationship that is a source of connectedness, support, growth and fulfillment.

A well-known family therapist once said that our family is the only group we didn't have to join, and can't get out of.

There's a lot of truth to that. Across town, or across the country; past, present and future; for better and for worse; we remain part of some sort of family. If we take the time to learn about these families we are part of, we can begin to make some changes that will build on the "better" and avoid some of the "worse." It's worth a try.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."