What's holding young adults back these days?

"What's wrong with him? He just won't get started ..."

The frustration in the parents' voices was clear. Their 22-year-old son had dropped out of school, was living at home, had yet to hold down even a part-time job for more than a few months, and had gone through a seemingly random series of casual dating relationships.

He spent most of his time watching TV, playing video games, staying out with friends and sleeping late.

What he wasn't getting started with was adulthood: working through all the developmental tasks we associate with growing up. Choosing a vocation, training for it, getting a job, living independently, exploring intimate relationships, etc. is all part of making the transition from adolescent to adult in our culture.

Sound familiar? Lately I've been encountering more and more families with the same dilemma. A son or daughter somehow seems to be stuck - not really a teen, yet hardly an adult. And everyone, parents and children, are frustrated.

Usually such families have two questions. First, what happened? Second, what do we do about it?

The first question is easier to answer. There seem to be any number of reasons why our children struggle with this life cycle transition.

First, some of these young adults have simply had it too easy. We have asked too little of them. In our efforts to make their lives enjoyable, in trying to allow them the freedom to explore their interests and talents, in giving them the gift of an extended childhood, we have not asked them to work, to be responsible.

Our ability and willingness to take on the work that is part of being an adult is based on our experiences in work as a child. Picking up our toys, caring for pets, helping with meals, house and yard work are all ways children learn about work.

Of course, such work must always be age appropriate. A 1-year-old can't pick up her toys. And a 5-year-old can't mow the lawn. The goal of the work we do as children is to build in us a sense of competency and confidence.

Similarly, some young adults have never received the affirmation and praise they needed to develop this confidence we're talking about. Though they were asked to work, they were never told that their work was good enough. More likely they heard the sort of constant criticism and correction that undercuts such confidence.

Such tasks as living independently are likewise affected by our sense of competency and confidence. They also are based on yet another dynamic: our comfort with ourselves.

If our children have not learned to value and like themselves, they will be hesitant to move out on their own. When we live alone we must be our own companions and best friends a good part of the time.

How our children approach the task of building intimate relationships depends to a good degree on the examples we set for them as their parents. If they see us successful and fulfilled in our intimate relationships, they will be more willing to take the risk of working toward such relationships in their own lives. If they see the adults around them struggle and perhaps fail in their relationships, they will be much more hesitant to risk intimacy themselves.

Yet another barrier to becoming an adult may be a fear of what will happen to us - their parents - if they do grow up. It amazes me how many young adult children stay home because they are afraid that once they leave Mom and Dad won't know what to do with themselves, or may even wind up getting divorced. (And let's face it, some of us do stay together mostly "for the kids.")

Fourth, it is really hard right now for young adults to get enough traction to go out and make it on their own. Most of the entry-level jobs our economy is creating simply do not pay enough for our young adult children to live independently, buy a car, afford insurance, and all the other things we associate with being an adult

Finally, some of the young adults in questions are asking a very legitimate question: Why bother? They look at an adult world in which earning more and more, accumulating more and more, doing more and more, do not equate with being happy or finding meaning. They hesitate to start on a journey that seems to lead nowhere worth going.

The second question - what to do - is harder. Let me make a few suggestions.

First, we parents aren't doing anyone a favor by simply allowing things to continue. For example, we need to set a reasonable timetable for ending our economic support of our adult children.

That means at least charging room and board, if not their moving out altogether. It also means treating our adult children like we would a boarder: expecting reasonable adult behavior from them, but not getting over‑involved with who they see or what they do.

Of course, when we set such limits, our children may protest, and we may feel like we are somehow not doing our job as parents. It can be awfully difficult to tell such struggling young adults that they are on their own ... difficult, but necessary.

Next, we may want to let our adult children know that adult life is often tough, at times frightening, and even overwhelming, but that we believe they can handle it. There is nothing wrong with a parental "pat on the back" now and then. And we can still let them know we will be there for them, just not in the way we were when they were children.

Third, and especially if the above seems too hard for us, we may need to consult a family therapist to help us through this family life cycle transition. Often an "outsider" can more easily say the things that need to be said in these situations, and help families find ways to remain families while going through such changes.

It's not easy being a young adult. It's not any easier being the family of a young adult. But we all have a job to do; it's probably time we got around to doing it.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."