Hearing does not always mean understanding

"You know what I mean?"

Probably not. I may nod my head or smile knowingly or utter an agreeable "Sure." But really know what you mean? That's a different matter.

Words are tricky. What I think I'm saying and what you think you're hearing are not always identical. They may be the same words, but they can have different meanings to different people.

Let me give you an example. I ask if you like my spaghetti sauce, which I happen to think is pretty good. You respond, "Not bad."

For you, that means you really do like it. But those same words for me mean you think it's just OK.

My feelings are a little hurt, so I pout for awhile. And you wind up wondering what in heaven's name is bothering me.

Same words, different meaning. That happens a lot. We each give certain meanings to certain words depending on our individual histories - our family, ethnic background, race and more.

There are other reasons we may not know what someone else is saying. Sometimes we just don't make sense because we aren't sure ourselves what we mean. We are confused, so our words are too.

At times we even may be afraid to say what we really mean. We suspect other people may not like what we say, or may not like us when we say it, so we hedge our bets by hedging our words.

"I'm not really angry. I guess maybe I'm a little bit upset, but not much," may be our way of trying to say "I'm really ticked off!"

There is another way our words can get mixed up. When our words say one thing and our body language says another, we're sending conflicting messages. If we tell our friends we are feeling great, yet we walk around listlessly, stoop shouldered, and with a hang‑dog look, we aren't being very consistent in our communication.

Finally, when we say one thing and do another, we're also giving off mixed messages. If we tell our spouse we'd be glad to do the dishes tonight but go to bed without even touching them, we are saying two different things.

All this probably sounds familiar. Once we think about it, it is not too hard to come up with examples from our own lives of times when our communication has gotten pretty confused.

What can we do about all this? Just realizing it happens is a good start. But we also need to recognize that communicating is a skill and, like all skills, we can work on improving our mastery of it. A number of good books explore interpersonal communication, as do courses offered through adult education programs, counseling centers and more. If our communication has deteriorated to the point where it is endangering the health of our relationship, we may want to consult a professional relational therapist who can help us sort out the mess we've gotten into.

"Do you know what I mean?" Well, not always, it seems. Knowing what someone else means is not as easy as we often assume. And if we don't take the time to work on clearing up our communication, we are probably setting ourselves up for continual misunderstanding. You know what I mean?

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."