All must play a role in stopping abuse

After the Ray Rice story broke, three Fox News hosts joked that Rice's victim should "learn to take the stairs." Others questioned why Palmer continued to stay with her abuser.

We want to put the responsibility on the victim of domestic violence because it's easier for us.

Questioning why a person stays with or returns to their partner after a violent incident has never helped a single victim of abuse. Joking about what a person should have done to avoid being beaten has never helped. Placing responsibility for "sending the right message" onto the victim of a violent crime has never helped.

What helps is to have meaningful consequences for violent behavior. What helps is to call out the right person, the one whose violence is the problem. What helps is to offer ongoing resources and support to the people we expect to pack up their children and restart their lives on a moment's notice - something most of us cannot imagine doing. What helps is to grapple with the acceptance of violence and bias that pervades our culture and to work on changing it. What helps is to recognize and honor the strength that is required to survive in a violent home and to trust that survivors of abuse know exactly what they must do to stay safe, even when it doesn't make immediate sense to us. It's not simplistic, it's not easy and it can't be done alone.

By not judging victims, by showing support when they need it most and by talking about the prevalence of abuse in each one of our communities ... only then can we begin to solve the problem of domestic violence. We are all impacted by it and we all must play a role in trying to stop it.

Amy Milligan

Wheaton

Director of Counseling & Advocacy

Family Shelter Service