Breaking News Bar
updated: 9/5/2012 12:09 PM

Here's one way of looking at NFL season

Success - Article sent! close

Here are some foolishly foolproof forecasts for the NFL season that begins Wednesday night:

Roger Goodell will miss two games while on the concussed/unable-to-think-clearly list.

Medical staffers will cite the commissioner's lockout of game officials as his primary symptom.

"60 Minutes" will report that the highlight of one replacement ref's resume is officiating hippie weddings on a Montana hilltop.

The NFL and the officials union will come to an agreement when "Monday Night Knitting" beats "Monday Night Football" in the TV ratings.

Sam Hurd will declare that the Bears need more criminals and volunteer to scout Folsom Prison from the inside.

The articulate, persuasive and most of all slick Brandon Marshall will leave the Bears in mid-November to become press secretary for whoever wins the presidential election.

The Bears' aging defense led by Brian Urlacher, Julius Peppers and Lance Briggs will lodge at assisted-living facilities on road trips.

Peanut Tillman will be with them when not on injured reserve with complications from an allergy to peanuts.

Analysts will clamor for Lovie Smith to adjust the Tampa-2 defense to compensate for Urlacher's gimpy knee.

The Bears' head coach will respond by uttering who's Urlacher, what gimpy knee, and where's Tampa?

Jeremy Bates will keep expressing displeasure over the offense taking the air out of the football until Mike Tice squeezes the air out of his head.

Jay Cutler finally will understand that he married a reality-TV star when he comes home after games to the reality of a kid with a stinky diaper.

WikiLeaks will reveal that one replacement official formerly officiated prison games while serving 5 to 10.

Instant replay machines will demand overtime pay if the NFL doesn't replace the replacements.

Chris Williams will take the Bears' starting left-tackle job from J'Marcus Webb after legally changing his name to J'Chris Williams.

He'll fit nicely on the front line with Gabe C'Arimi, Rob?erto Garza, Lan!ce Louis and C.h.r.i.s Spencer.

Matt Forte will celebrate his lucrative contract by switching from one-ply to two-ply bathroom tissue.

Phil Emery will continue to sound smart but have a hard time explaining Shea McClellin.

Not even Tim Tebow will be able to turn the other cheek when replacement officials cost his team a game.

Washington will lead the NFC East until deciding to shut down rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III after 175 pass attempts.

Old man Peyton Manning will have to suck on an inhaler while playing in Denver's thin air.

Suspended Saints players and coaches will be disqualified from "Dancing with the Stars" for placing a bounty on the heads of competitors like Betty White.

"Mike and Molly" will find Rex Ryan's lost 100 pounds in their attic.

Troy Polamalu will … well, nothing, but typing P-o-l-a-m-a-l-u always is fun.

Seven rookies and two high-school freshmen will start at least one NFL game at quarterback this season.

"Survivor: Lovie Smith" will be renewed for another 150 years when the Bears sneak into the playoffs as a wild card.

The Packers will advance from the NFC's sixth playoff seed to beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

The season's decisive touchdown will result from a blown call by a referee whose previous experience was officiating grade-school spelling bees.

Article Comments ()
Guidelines: Keep it civil and on topic; no profanity, vulgarity, slurs or personal attacks. People who harass others or joke about tragedies will be blocked. If a comment violates these standards or our terms of service, click the X in the upper right corner of the comment box. To find our more, read our FAQ.