Parents question age, safety of kids' sleepovers

Aah … the key word. Sleepovers. It makes kids squeal with excitement and makes some parents want to pull their hair out. While there is no right answer or magic age when sleepovers are OK, it is often the subject of a hot debate. Even parents who do allow sleepovers evaluate invitations and make decisions on a case-by-case basis.

Camp ‘Yes, If We Know Them'

Judy Hoenig lives in Elgin with her husband and sons, Gabriel, 12 and Alex, 7. She has allowed Gabriel to go to a few sleepovers with families she knows well and trusts — one was a family she has known since the boys were in kindergarten. She feels they have similar values as they have spent many an afternoon together among Legos and trucks. Hoenig feels birthday parties and play dates are a great way to get to know other families better.

“The parents who just drop their kids off to a party without even a second glance would not be homes I say yes to for sleepovers,” Hoenig said. “If I see a child in my neighborhood riding his bike on a busy street, it would be a red flag for me. I would prefer sending my child for a sleepover to a parent that's strict rather than one who is lax.”

Anastasia McCargo, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Western Springs, agrees that getting to know the other family by having a trial run in the form of a play date or a dinner invitation is a good idea.

“Even after you get to know them, always trust your gut feeling and err on the side of caution,” she said.

McCargo believes that parents should not rule out sleepovers altogether because it can be an important part of growing up. She feels sleepovers can foster independence, make kids more flexible to adapting to others' rules and routines and teach parents to become a little less anxious.

While some parents admit to being more protective of daughters in contrast to sons, McCargo believes boys are just as susceptible to dangers as girls. She advises that parents should never let their guard down even if it's just a bunch of boys playing video games all night.

“The possibility of abuse is what fuels the fear with sleepovers, but unfortunately abuse can take place at other venues and times too,” McCargo said. “Therefore it is extremely important for parents to talk to their children about a safety plan so that their children know what is and what is not appropriate and what to do if they find themselves in a situation where they feel uncomfortable. They should know who to tell and how to seek help.”

Camp ‘Don't Even Think About It'

Asma Khan, a Naperville mom of three, strongly believes that sleepovers are unnecessary. She provides her three teenage children with plenty of other opportunities to bond with their peers and have fun — provided they are home by 10 p.m.

“It is my responsibility as their guardian to protect my daughters and son to the best of my ability,” Khan said.

While she agrees that things can go wrong in broad daylight too, she feels that the probability of things going wrong in the “cloak of darkness” are higher as the child is spending an extended period of time at another person's home.

When her kids were younger, they did whine about not being able to join their friends for sleepovers, but once they accepted that their parents were not going to budge, they stopped asking.

“I always tell my children that I have rules because I trust them, but I don't trust the world around them,” Khan said.

Other options

Scrambling for middle ground, McCargo is seeing trends of the pseudo-slumber party where kids wear pajamas, have popcorn, watch movies or paint nails with their friends — but are picked up at a reasonable time. Another option could be to plan a getaway with the other family so the kids can get to spend more time together but with the parents still being around. A weekend at the water park or camping may help you get to know your child's friends and their families.

While safety should be the No. 1 concern, at the end of the day, it boils down to what your family feels is right.