How to parent when grown-up kids return home

Thought dirty sneakers and undone chores were among your biggest concerns as parents? Don’t worry, one day, your kids will leave … and possibly return well after reaching adulthood.

For numerous reasons, increasing numbers of adult children are marching back home, returning after college graduations, military deployments, divorce, lost jobs and home foreclosures.

According to a 2010 Pew Research Center analysis of census data about the return of the multigenerational family household, a mix of social and economic factors contributes to this phenomenon. While older adults and other groups played significant roles in molding the statistics, it was the younger crowd — the Boomerang Generation — that was key. In 1980, only 11 percent of adults, ages 24 to 39, lived in a multigenerational family household that contained at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation. By 2008 that number grew to 20 percent, the report showed.

For most, the decision is economic. Yet to make this reunion work, area experts say families must be flexible and willing to redefine roles and expectations.

Victoria Atkinson, director of New Student Programs and Retention at Harper College, has helped many families with this readjustment.

“There are a lot of reverse transfer students here, students in their sophomore year returning after medical or financial issues. Many times they have been on their own and are now back home,” she says. “The intention of the new student program originally was to help students and parents understand the landscape of the college, but we found that many needed some transition support, too.”

It is an issue that Atkinson broaches in the freshman handbook, First Year Experience: FYE 101 at Harper College, which she co-authored with Linda Frank, and a concern she has written about for the college’s website.

Truth is, she says, no one wants to really go home. Adult kids may be happy to have a temporary place to be, “but their goal is to be self-sufficient,” she says.

The changing dynamics of parent-child relationships have become so pervasive that Atkinson, a licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor, developed a 4-R formula for families to put into practice:

RULES

Rules still apply.

“One of the things that we saw when students would come home as adults is they’d disavow any rules, and fade in and out of the house,” Atkinson says. “Yet they would still be using resources and taking up space.” She says parents need to know that it is OK to have rules. Talk through what still applies. It might be different from before, but know in advance that this exercise may be more difficult the longer the adult child has been out of the house.

RENT

Have your child pay up. Atkinson says they should understand that “you’re still living in someone else’s space, so you should contribute.” Even in a circumstance where the adult child has a lot of debt, it is important that they understand the benefit of living in a low-cost environment. Sometimes having an obligation to pay helps. Parents may feel guilty and uneasy about accepting money from their child who is already in dire straits. But Atkinson says they need to know that “they’re not punishing their children; no one gets a free ride.”

RENEGOTIATE

Renegotiate terms. Bottom line: Come up with a timeline for your child to leave. Having the adult child set a goal about when they want to leave is critical, she says. “It might not change the living arrangement but it’s about taking stock because the goal really is for them to leave.”

REITERATE

Reiterate the goal. Show support in helping your adult child move toward the front door — for good. For some, that may require coming up with an actual contract to sign and seal. Whatever the case, Atkinson says parents should let their beloved offspring know that “this is the right thing to do for now, so that you can save and launch later.”

To avoid surprises, others suggest discussing guidelines well before the reunion.

Upon returning home for whatever reason, adult children may not feel as if they have the right to speak up, notes Patricia O’Brien, a sociology professor at Elgin Community College. Yet, she says they must. She suggests that they take the initiative by saying, “‘Could we talk about what you expect of me?’ because you’re not the same person, and your parents are not as they were when you lived together before, either.”

Curfews may present another possible pitfall. Again, O’Brien urges adult children to state their point of view. “‘I’m an adult ... if I choose to stay out past curfew, it shouldn’t be an issue.” Yet, she advises them to keep in mind that once a parent, always a parent, so “whether your child is 70 and you’re 100, patterns of interaction are difficult to break.”

In the end, she advises each party to compromise. Adult children could easily indicate when they might return to the house, as a common courtesy, and parents have the right to ask.

“Life would be run a lot more smoothly if both parents and child talk about expectations,” O’Brien reiterates, “otherwise you end up with confrontation. It works best if there is a dialogue.”