Drop your end of the rope with the chronically hurt

Q. How do I deal with my out-of-state sister-in-law of 20-plus years (and mother of my very beloved, only niece) who is uber-sensitive? Occasionally during one of our many texts, emails or talks, I will say something totally benign that upsets her in some way. Her reaction is to keep it inside, sometimes choosing not to speak to me, or ambushing me with days/weeks of anger that she has supposedly “moved past” (she never does, these incidents are piled up in a mental storage room somewhere). I end up asking if something is wrong, and then apologizing and/or explaining that it wasn’t meant that way, was taken out of context, etc. The response is always, “Well — that’s how I perceived it.”

She never approaches me about the supposed issue, her reasoning being that “this is what happens” (me defending/explaining myself).

I have spent way too many years walking on eggshells, being overly generous, apologizing and constantly monitoring what I say and do. So much for the friendship I thought we had, as this has also ruined more than one vacation or outing. After the last incident, I am left feeling hurt, very angry and more than a bit tired of it. If my tween niece and brother were not part of the family unit, I’d move on. Suggestions?

A. First, a simple and easy suggestion: Avoid texts and emails. I realize dealing with your sister-in-law is a chore, and therefore communicating at arm’s length is tempting, but giving in to that temptation multiplies the opportunities you give your sister-in-law to misinterpret your words. Stick to the phone. And deal with your brother directly where feasible.

Next, a simple and difficult suggestion: Drop your end of the rope. Stop tiptoeing, asking if everything’s OK, if you’ve done something wrong. When she ambushes you “with days/weeks of anger,” don’t defend or explain yourself. Instead: “Gosh, I wish you’d said something when it happened; that was so long ago!” When she lobs a “That’s how I perceived it,” return it with, “Of course, I see that, and I’d be upset too if I saw it that way — but that was certainly not my intent.” In other words, acknowledge her feelings without taking responsibility for them.

It’s important to not challenge her claims to the victim territory, because she’s going to claim it regardless; she’s going to say/do/not say/not do/claim/argue whatever it takes to prove to herself she’s been wronged.

And while granting her all that territory won’t feel satisfying or improve your relationship, it will take the energy you waste — on eggshell-walking, explaining and drama — and redirect it toward making the best choices you can and letting your decency speak for itself.

As for your niece: Her mom won’t be her gateway to the world for much longer. Position yourself for the long term by being as warm and accessible to her as you can be — and to her mom, too, for that matter. Warmth and a refusal to engage can peacefully coexist if you remain calm on your side of the line.

Q. We’re a gay couple, together 10 years, who are very happy with our current childless status and intend to stay that way. Lucky us, no slip-up worries or forgotten runs to the pharmacy!

Culturally, though, the world has shifted around us, and everyone wants to know when we’re having kids. “Never” seems so, um, anti-kid, but one attraction of this team for BOTH of us was the no-kid possibility.

Is there a quick, inoffensive response, please, to replace “Not on your life!” to those trying hard, or heartbreakingly unable, and seeking company for their obvious misery?

A. For the record, most reasonable people wouldn’t take offense to a “Gack, no!”-type answer, since it isn’t a commentary on any particular kid, it’s just a hyperbolic way of saying you’re fine with a life that doesn’t involve wiping snot off anyone’s face but your own. As for the unreasonable people, you can’t hold yourself responsible for those who arrive at a conversation primed for offense.

Nevertheless, as you rightly recognize, people struggling to have children might be reasonably upset by flippancy — and since you won’t always know whether someone’s in that position, you will need to temper your response to all, not just to those you know are struggling.

In your favor is that your (admirable) awareness will show, so your words don’t need to work as hard to be sensitive. You can also shift the topic into safer territory by speaking to the value of choices, versus the value of kids. “No, our life suits us this way, thanks”; or, the goofier the better, “That’s not under our tree/in our cards/plans/inbox/tea leaves/fortune cookie/(your quip upgrade here).” “Why?” they ask. “Yikes, that’s awfully personal.” Self-deprecation works, too, as long as you’re willing to risk people who beg to differ when you say, “We’re not the nurturing type.”

Ÿ Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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