Time again to see into NFL future

Try to digest these predictions for the 2011 NFL season before you’re concussed:

For openers, the Jacksonville Jaguars will jump to the Southeastern Conference and the NFL will counter by adding USC to the AFC West.

The Bears will beat Detroit when a referee voids a Lions touchdown because the receiver didn’t peel, garnish and eat the football before spiking it in the end zone.

“There’s no such thing as luck in football,” the Bears will say.

Bears quarterback Jay Cutler’s footwork will be so improved that podiatry schools will award him honorary degrees.

Cutler will grow so tired of the attention that comes with being an NFL quarterback that he’ll start dating Lady Gaga to regain some privacy.

Plaxico Burress will be granted Game 9 off for good behavior.

Bears rookie tackle Gabe Carimi will allow consecutive sacks while gazing up at the scoreboard to check how his fantasy team is doing.

Devin Hester will be penalized for texting while returning a punt.

Matt Forte will reject the Bears’ next contract proposal, but Lance Briggs will jump up and shout, “I’ll take it!”

President Obama’s jobs program will be considered a failure unless another NFL team hires Todd Collins as its backup quarterback.

Roy Williams’ most flagrant act of showboating will be signaling a first down after picking up a fourth down on third down after dropping a pass on second down.

We will explain that one to you on a date to be named.

The Bears will win three straight games when injuries, suspensions and indifference force opponents to use their third-string quarterbacks.

“There’s no such thing as luck in football,” the Bears will repeat.

Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz will agree to hand the ball to Matt Forte 25 times per game if Forte promises to throw a halfback pass on 15 of them.

Peyton Manning’s injury won’t prevent him from using a joystick to rearrange the Colts’ offense at the line of scrimmage.

The Bears will play with their cornerbacks to the wall.

Fans will chant Dane Sanzenbacher’s name just because, well, because they like saying Sanzenbacher.

Rex Grossman will be declared a one-term, or even one-game, quarterback inside the Capital Beltway.

Metal detectors will be positioned at all entrances to the Bears’ locker room just in case Brandon Meriweather is packing anything from a water pistol to a nuclear weapon.

The Ravens’ John Harbaugh will be voted the AFC’s Coach of the Year and the 49ers’ Jim Harbaugh will be voted the NFC’s Overhyped Coach of the Year.

Lovie Smith’s game management will be ripped after he tries to buy Park Place while playing “Madden 12.”

Three opponents will forfeit to the Bears after determining that they have no chance to out-luck them.

“There’s no such thing as luck in football,” the Bears will insist.

They’ll finish 10-6, second in the NFC North and in the playoffs as a wild card.

The Bears will lose their first playoff game when the ball bounces the other way.

“They were lucky,” the Bears will whine.

The entire state of Wisconsin will go on injured reserve and the Packers still will limp back into the Super Bowl.

Finally, Lance Briggs will try to persuade the players association to renegotiate its 10-year deal with the league.

mimrem@dailyherald.com