Hot romance flickers out with no real explanation

Q. I met a girl, we hit it off immediately the night we met. Things went great for a month. She would say things like, “I really like you.” We both willingly supplied information about our exes, including that I still own a home with mine (I was not living there).

New girl and I spent a lot of time together, including holidays. After that, all of a sudden she wants to break up. “You’re a great guy, but I still have feelings for my ex.”

I was crushed but was getting over it. Lately, though, for months, she’s all I think about. I’ve contacted her here and there just to say hi. Sometimes she responds, others not, and she has told me she has a boyfriend.

I can’t help feeling, though, that it was because I still had connections to my ex (just financial), and that maybe she was waiting for me to get my act together. I still have tremendous feelings for her, and I think these feelings have grown in our time apart.

How can I find out if there is still a chance between us without playing the “stalker” role? Or should I just let it go? How can things go from white hot to code blue in just a matter of days?

M.

A. You already found out there isn’t a chance because she knows you’re interested enough to keep calling and yet she’s dating someone else.

I know you want there to be a mystery here; mysteries allow for possibilities.

However, it’s not unusual for “white hot” to land in an ice bath. There’s no one reason, but the kind of attraction you shared with her is particularly vulnerable. Instant wow plus one month together equals superficial attraction.

One stupid remark, one bad outfit, one bad makeout session, one bad whatever and, bam, water meets flame. Falling for someone over time creates a far more durable (and forgiving) heat.

Chances are, she chose not to explain herself because the reason was silly, embarrassing or otherwise beside the point. If she were waiting for you to “get my act together,” she’d be keeping in touch.

Unfortunately, her using a line that was easily disproved if she’s so loopy for her ex, then why the new boyfriend? played right into your natural predisposition toward mystery. You now have all kinds of room to wonder what the real flame-douser was.

Don’t. Please. (I know, I know ...) This was one woman’s opinion, not worth dwelling on till it links arms with a pattern, useful only in its result: It’s over. If you were one fixable flaw away from a relationship, then you’d have gotten chances to fix it.

Something else to consider. The idea that your affection is growing in her absence strains credulity since you barely knew her. However, the idea that your need to romanticize her is growing? Highly credible.

Your reference to getting your act together was just a passing one, but your best move right now might be to circle back to it and park. You know, on some level, that you’re wrestling with important things. Please consider that your image of this ephemeral girl is a distraction from things that are tougher to face.

Ÿ Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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