A mom’s point of view: To push or not to push
This summer, my husband, Bernie, and I took our daughters to a family camp in Michigan. The campground was fantastic: We slept in a renovated caboose, ate our meals in the mess hall, and the only thing we concerned ourselves with was moving from one activity to the next. With lush wooded areas and refreshing lakes, we canoed, swam and hiked. We made the trek up to the top of the Mighty Gusher, a super-long, super-slick water slide that shoots you into the lake, over a dozen times.
One afternoon, while I took our youngest daughter horseback riding, Bernie took the older girls “blobbing.” My husband discovered that blobbing is a highly dangerous water sport — one person sits on the end of an enormous inflated “blob” while another person jumps off a diving board onto the opposite end of the blob, flinging the seated person into the water. They only blobbed once, and when we all reunited, the girls described how a much larger adult had hilariously catapulted their Dad so high that he had to dive head first into the lake. The girls got a good laugh, and Bernie walked away from the experience complaining that his face hurt.
By far, the biggest thrill for us was the zip line. Even though I was petrified to jump off a sky-scraping tower (I was attached to a cable by hooks and a harness.) and fly over the lake, my daughters’ courage inspired me.
Our 6-year-old waited in line at the kids’ zip line for more than an hour, put on her harness and helmet, and then bravely made her way up the tower and onto the platform. I was fascinated by the kids in line in front of her, and even more fascinated by their mothers, who waited with them.
Some kids looked as young as 3 or 4 years old, and it seemed that viewing the zip line from the top of the tower proved to be more terrifying for some of them than the view from the ground. (Having just jumped, I understood this completely.) I watched as one boy sitting on the edge of the platform started to cry.
“I don’t want to do it! I want to get down!” His mother reassured him, the camp counselor had everyone count to three, and then the six kids all jumped in unison. Except for the kid that was crying hysterically. He didn’t actually jump — his mom pushed him off the ledge! The kid was screaming as he zipped by, but at the end of ride he was beaming. During the next round, another child had serious regrets about her decision to do the zip line, and after a few minutes of crying, her mother helped her off the platform, and only five kids took the plunge.
As I watched, I wondered which mom did the right thing. I thought about what a great visual this scene was for parenting. Isn’t one of the trickiest parts of being a parent knowing when to push and when to back off? When to make your children follow through, and when to realize that they are in over their heads, and they need some of the pressure relieved?
I think that both moms probably did the right thing, and that most often there is not one standard, “one size fits all” solution for any given situation. As we study and get to really know our kids, we realize that what may be right for one is not necessarily right for another.
Last year we allowed our oldest daughter to drop out of tap and jazz, because forcing her to continue might possibly have destroyed her love for dance. She gave careful thought over her break about whether she wanted to continue, and she decided to sign up again when her schedule was less intense. We did not, however, allow one of our other daughters to drop out of a theater camp she had signed up for over the summer, even though she really didn’t want to go. Two of her friends had signed up with her, and the camp did not allow cancellations. In her case, the right decision was to make her go. Even though she didn’t love the camp, she had a good week with her friends and hopefully learned a lesson about following through on her commitments.
At the zip line, our youngest daughter jumped voluntarily, with some reassurance and a little nudge from her big sister who had climbed the tower with her. While hanging at the end of the line, waiting to be reeled in, she gave us a big thumbs-up and yelled, “That was awesome!”
Sometimes our kids need a little push. They may lack confidence or may need to overcome a fear. Other times, our kids may need to be released from the pressure of performing; they might need to know that it’s OK if they aren’t quite ready to take that step.
I want to be a wise parent. I don’t always get it right, but I am trying to study my kids and listen to their viewpoints — the way they see the situation as well as the way they assess themselves. When making tough decisions, I try to remember to consider their individual histories, their maturity levels and how they are wired. I need to check my motives and ask, “Am I worried at all about what other people will think of my parenting? Of me? What is truly in the best interest of my child?” Each of us has a unique journey. As we encourage, seek to understand and accept one another, we grow in the ways that matter most. Whether we give a gentle push or help our child down from the ledge, may we have the courage of these two moms, and do what is best for our kids.
ŸBecky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, and their three daughters. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.