Don’t write apology to ex without consulting current wife

Q. I was married 27 years and am now 25 years into the second marriage. My first wife remarried before I did. While I was a steady provider and protector during my first marriage, nevertheless, there must have been (were) incidents that were hurtful to and otherwise inflicted pain on her. Extramarital affairs were never an issue.

I wanted to write her and, in a way, “apologize” for any pain I might have caused, but this might be self-serving and really do nothing for the other party other than potentially inflict even more pain.

Nevertheless, I want to get closure for me and potentially for her, even though I am not sure if she needs or wants it. What is the best approach and what are the best words for doing that?

G.

A. If someone were to “in a way,” quote-unquote, apologize, then the passive voice would be the way to go. “There must have been incidents” ... incidents “that were hurtful” ... incidents that “inflicted pain.” (Bad incidents! Bad!)

But if you want to take full responsibility and apologize for the pain you inflicted on your ex-wife, then arrange your words in the active voice: “I am sorry I hurt you. I know it might be self-serving of me to send this to you now after so many years, and I don’t want to inflict even more pain by getting in touch with you now. However, I wanted to apologize for what I did.”

If I read you correctly, you’re not asking whether to apologize, but how. However, please don’t contact your ex unless your decision is the result of careful consultation with your current wife. Any closure you get from one marriage won’t be worth much if it comes at the cost of keeping secrets in another.

Q. I’m in my mid-20s. Met a girl at a program last summer, had a huge crush, but didn’t pursue because she had a boyfriend. She breaks up with then-boyfriend for another guy in the program. They do long distance for the year, and we’ve been friends over that time as well.

This summer, Girl and I are back at program, not boyfriend, and attraction grows. We hook up, she professes strong feelings for me, tells boyfriend about her feelings and our hookup, asks for a break. He rejects her request for space, gives ultimatum. She sticks with status quo, but feelings for me haven’t abated, so her actions in the last couple of days of program don’t match her professed intentions (renewed flirting, in which I was an equal, guilty partner).

Now she’s had time away from both of us, appears intent on breaking up with boyfriend, but then is indecisive in the next moment. I’m crazy about her, but friends are warning me to stay away. We’ve been communicating since we left the program, but should I just back off until she decides what she wants?

Confused

A. Yes, yes, back off. You can’t make her slow down long enough to breathe between men (you all know about each other, so at least there’s that). But you can keep yourself from becoming part of her man-stacle course. If she means it, she’ll come to you.

Although: What if she’s back at the program next summer and you aren’t?

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