Potts: Healthy sexual expression is essential to marriage

America is one of the most sexually charged cultures in the world.

Americans are among the most sexually ignorant people in the world.

Sexual problems are among the most prevalent — and threatening — to American marriages.

These observations are reported time and again in journals and texts that deal with human sexuality. I don’t know whether we’ll ever be able to fully understand the relationship between these observations, but I strongly believe there is one.

We find sex everywhere — television, movies, books, magazines, fashion, advertising. Yet, sex is used in these arenas primarily to entice us to tune in, attend, listen, read, approach and especially to get us to spend money.

When it comes to knowledge about sexuality and its positive expression in human relationships, however, we are hardly so well-supplied. Sex “education” often is barely that. When we talk about sex with our families or at schools, we tend to discuss what not to do or speak in vague generalities about sex as some mysterious element reserved for marriage.

Of course, most of us do learn about sex. We talk about it incessantly in our peer groups (where the rule is always to pretend we know more than we really do), and pick up what we can from magazines, movies, television and elsewhere. Usually, what we do learn is both inaccurate and overly simplified.

It’s no wonder, then, when men and women do express their sexuality in long-term, intimate relationships such as marriage that confusion, misunderstanding and problems often arise. And, when not dealt with positively, these problems can severely threaten the health of any relationship.

Though there is an awful lot about human sexuality that we don’t comprehend, there are some things that we can do to help us express it more positively.

Ÿ We can add to our knowledge. Researchers have learned a good deal about male and female sexuality in recent decades. Most of this knowledge is now readily available in any number of good books on the subject. We may be surprised what we’ll find out.

Ÿ We can develop self-awareness. Each of us is unique. If we are to enjoy our sexuality to the fullest, we must learn how we as individuals experience it. We need to think about how our whole person — physical, emotional, rational, spiritual — is expressed and how those things affect our sexual desires and responses.

For instance, what part of our bodies are most sexually sensitive? What emotions do we experience when we express our sexuality? What we do we think is the appropriate role of sex in our relationship? How does our faith influence our sexuality?

Ÿ We can develop awareness of others. Our sexual partners are unique as well. We need to learn about their sexuality, too.

Ÿ We can communicate. For two people to understand each other’s sexuality, they have to talk about it — but talking about sex is one of the things couples do least. It is crucial that we risk communicating about our sexual selves openly, honestly and regularly. And we want to make this sharing as accepting and affirming as possible.

Ÿ We can work at developing satisfying and healthy sexual relationships, which takes time and persistence. That is one of the reasons I believe our sexuality is best expressed in a marriage, where it can be one component of intimacy and we have the space required to allow its positive development.

Ÿ We can get help. When sexual problems arise that we cannot solve on our own, help is available. If it is a physical problem, many physicians now are trained to offer advice on treatment options. Marriage and family therapists often have the training to help us explore these areas.

There also are a number of sexual dysfunction clinics, where physicians and mental health professionals work together to help couples with their problems. Treatment at these clinics usually is short-term, but they also can provide referrals for further assistance.

Sexuality is basic to our humanness, but it also is so complex that we probably never will completely understand it. We will, however, find greater fulfillment in this dimension of our lives if we keep in mind these components of healthy sexual expression.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts’ book “Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.