The tragic death of Uncle Sam

The body of a 235-year-old, affectionately known as Uncle Sam, was found on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C. today. Crime Scene Investigators placed police tape around the body believing foul play was involved.

Given his age, Uncle Sam showed signs of extreme elder abuse. Most of his assets had been siphoned off to engorge the money belts of the very rich, and fund criminal wars that have killed hundreds of thousands and sent millions more fleeing the carnage his minions unleashed against them.

His eyes had been taped shut to prevent him from seeing the damage being done, and his ears were plugged to ward off cries of the unemployed and the untreated sick and the poor. His jaw was wired shut to prevent his cries for help. His arteries, the highways and bridges that carried the commerce so vital to his economic well being, were clogged and crumbling, not from old age but from senseless neglect.

His cholesterol level had reached 14 trillion. The paid public servants responsible for his well-being were seen imbibing a strange brew of tea and sophistry that drove them into a frenzy of unprecedented meanness toward their benevolent uncle. As they danced around the corpse they were heard chanting: “Government is not the solution: government is the problem”.

Police broke up the mob but made no arrests.

Walt Zlotow

Glen Ellyn