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Saying 'thank you' can be a tricky business

There was this traveling salesman. One day, while driving past a pig farm, he was startled to see a particularly large pig walking around on a well-fitted wooden leg.

The salesman was an animal lover, so he decided to stop at the farmhouse and compliment the farmer who so selflessly cared for his animals.

Finding the pig's owner on the front porch, the salesman explained his reason for stopping and expressed his admiration of the farmer's concern. The farmer, with a faraway look in his eyes, told the following story.

“That's a very special animal,” he began. “About 10 years ago, that cute little girl you see over by the barn fell in the creek out back. She would have drowned, but that pig there jumped into the creek and pushed her to the bank. He saved her life.”

The farmer paused, his eyes misty from the memory.

“We'll always be grateful to that pig,” he said. “And that's why we're eating him only one piece at a time.”

Humor aside, the story illustrates something important about our interactions with those around us. What we think is an obvious display of our gratitude may fail to communicate our feelings in the way we intend.

Saying “thank you” is an important part of our relationships. It builds a foundation of goodwill that smooths over rough spots and encourages others to continue to work toward a healthy, growing friendship, marriage or family.

We can say “thanks” in a variety of ways. Verbal thanks are a common part of everyday interactions, often to the point of meaninglessness. (For example, the other day I found myself automatically thanking somebody for a favor I had done for them.)

Sometimes our verbal messages of gratitude don't even use the words “thank you.” We may say “I appreciate that,” or “I appreciate you,” or even just clear our throat as a way of communicating our feelings.

Nonverbal “thank you” messages can be just as varied. We may nod our head, smile, wink, shake hands, hug or kiss. Often we will send a card, give a gift, do a favor or plan a surprise to say thanks.

All of these ways of expressing gratitude are learned. We pick them up from family, friends and the culture in which we live. Not too surprisingly, different families, groups and societies have varying ways of saying thank you that can get confusing.

“You shouldn't have” in one family may be a very clear way of communicating gratitude, while in another family it seems like a put down. A hug of appreciation may be perfectly understood with some friends, while with others it is totally misinterpreted. A smile and nod of the head in one ethnic group may be an appropriate way of showing gratitude, but in others it may seem cold and aloof.

Let's go back to our story. Chances are the pig was none too pleased with the farmer's way of communicating gratitude. The pig probably did not get a clear “thank you” out of its owner's well-intentioned — but misguided — efforts.

That often happens in our relationships as well. I counseled a man who had a great deal of difficulty in verbally expressing gratitude to his wife. He had learned from his family to give gifts instead, and often did so, usually having his children give his wife the gifts he thought she might want.

The problem was that he never bothered to see if his wife got the message. When he finally asked, he was startled to discover that she had made no connection between gratitude and gifts. Her family had mainly used words to say “thank you.” In fact, as the husband had never asked to see what she really liked, many of the gifts had been unwanted.

Both husband and wife had wound up feeling unappreciated for the giving they did. Once we got all this out on the table, it was fairly easy to come up with ways to say “thank you” that were meaningful to both.

A major point of tension in the marriage was resolved, and a foundation of goodwill was re-established. The solution, as in many relational problems, is to clear up our communication.

If we will coach each other on what we are trying to say and what is actually being heard, we can work out a “language” that will get our messages across.

As we communicate our gratitude more clearly, our relationships will grow and develop to better meet our unique needs and wants. It can be hard work, it is worth it. Give it a try.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts' book “Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.