Some ideas for new job as Illini AD

As much as I enjoy being a sports pontificator, my allegiance to the University of Illinois has me wobbling toward a career change.

Today I am announcing my candidacy for the job of Fighting Illini athletic director that will become vacant on July 1.

For 19 years, Ron Guenther has been one of the nation’s best ADs while steering Illinois sports with integrity and dignity.

Filling those huge shoes — one orange and one blue — won’t be easy. Especially the integrity and dignity stuff, as those who know me understand.

But I’m up for the challenge after all these years of experience telling athletic directors at schools such as Illinois, Northwestern and Notre Dame what to do.

Now here’s my three-planked campaign platform:

Turn the Assembly Hall into a roller rink and build a new basketball arena; move football games to somewhere in the Chicago suburbs like Woodfield Mall; quadruple the new AD’s salary to cover my, uh, his bar tab at Kam’s.

Oh, you say you want to hear my plan for football coach Ron Zook and basketball coach Bruce Weber?

Football barely matters at Illinois no matter how much former offensive guard Guenther tried to make it relevant.

With little tradition of success, tough competition in the Big Ten and a mediocre regional recruiting pool, the best the Illini can hope to be in football is an 8-win team that overachieves into a BCS bowl every decade or so.

Zook can do that. Any big galoot like him can do that. I would keep him around as comedy relief for the tennis and golf coaches to laugh at.

Illinois basketball is another story. In the right hands, the Illini can become a perennial Top 10 program.

Those aren’t Weber’s hands, however. He likely is the most honest coach in the Big Ten but hasn’t indicated he can win honestly.

(By the way, a notable fellow alumnus pointed out the difference to me Tuesday: Illinois can consistently win big in basketball without cheating but will have to cheat to consistently win big in football.)

After careful consideration for at least five minutes, I would fire Weber because he would be too stubborn to heed my suggestions/demands.

Weber comes across as an affable, agreeable person, which he probably is. But whispers say that as a basketball coach he’s stubborn about his ways even when they aren’t working.

Before firing Weber I would suggest/demand that he rebuild his staff of assistants, which he likely would resist doing.

Then I would suggest/demand that Weber diversify his systems of offense and defense, which he likely wouldn’t do either.

Finally I would, well, you know, shove Weber and his assistants and his style of play out the nearest door.

Who would be Weber’s replacement? The best available young, honest, charismatic, energetic, genius of a coach I can find.

If someone of that description doesn’t exist I would either invent him or drop men’s basketball as a varsity sport.

But let’s be optimistic and assume I can find the right man for the job. There’s one more thing I would suggest/demand: He must sit in my office and trade Ron Zook jokes with me.

So, can my candidacy for the position of Illinois AD count on your support?

Hey, think about it, at least I wouldn’t be shouting dumb columns at you anymore.

mimrem@dailyherald.com