Letting the dogs have their say on Vick

The Onion spoofpaper commenced this Michael Vick Week last week.

Headline “Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again.”

First paragraph: “PHILADELPHIA Eagles quarterback Michael Vick … has regained his former confidence to the point that he will soon be ready to commit a horrifying act, sources close to Vick said Friday.”

Let's hope not. Anyway, the joke is a cheap shot, but Vick tattooed the target on his rump by being deeply involved in a dogfighting operation last decade.

Some will believe it's good that we finally can laugh at Vick without vomiting. Others will believe that we never should stop vomiting at the thought of him. Just about everybody agrees that his conduct was reprehensible.

This national discussion becomes intensely local as the Bears prepare to play the Eagles here Sunday.

The more significant issue than humor's propriety is whether Vick should be allowed to play in the NFL.

I usually defer to our two dogs on canine matters. However, Elaine the brain is busy in Hollywood doing lunch with studio executives, while Guinevere the diva is busy in New York auditioning for parts in Broadway productions.

Certainly Lainie and Guinie have talked about Vick, and the following is how the conversation might have gone.

Elaine: “Guinie, thumbs up or down on the NFL letting Vick back in?”

Guin: “Up. Why not? Everybody deserves a second chance, darling. Weren't you and I given one after being rescued from the streets and a life of drugs and guns?”

Elaine: “Yeah, but we didn't kill dogs. I vote for the creep to make a living by scooping our poop the rest of his life.”

Guin: “Lainie, Lainie, darling Lainie. We're a forgiving society. Cheaters play big-league baseball. Drunken drivers who killed people play in the NFL. Charles Manson plays in the NHL …”

Elaine: “No, he doesn't.”

Guin: “So, I made that one up. The point is that nobody's giving Vick the keys to the Westminster Kennel Club. It's woofin' football.”

Elaine: “Ah, now I get it. You have him, don't you?

Guin: “Have who? What are you talking about?”

Elaine: “You're defending Vick because you have him in your fantasy league.”

Guin: “I'm not defending anyone. I'm just saying the young man spent 18 months in jail and lost a fortune. That's called paying for your crime.”

Elaine: “Don't change the subject. You have him, right?”

Guin: “Maybe. I'd have to check.”

Elaine: “You don't have to check. You know every player on every team in your league. Just admit that you have him.”

Guin: “OK, OK. I have him. Big deal. That doesn't change anything. The system says he's legal, the commissioner says he's eligible, and I say he's adorable every time he scores a touchdown for me.”

Elaine: “I say the only thing Michael Vick is eligible for is living on Chinese dog food.”

Maybe it is too early to giggle about Vick, but Elaine and Guinevere do reflect the raging conflict.

One side says Vick has the right to play in the NFL after doing time; the other side says even if he does he better not move in next door.

Maybe the compromise is for Vick to belong in the NFL, but for the Bears to beat Philly and beat up their quarterback in the process.

Now that would be funnier than anything even The Onion could concoct.

mimrem@dailyherald.com