Here's a vote for Moss to Bears

Election Day took an odd twist when I stepped into the voting booth Tuesday.

Pat Quinn, Bill Brady … or Randy Moss. Mark Kirk, Alexi Giannoulias … or Randy Moss. So on, so forth … or Randy Moss.

Like a lot of people, I can't remember the last time I voted for anybody. It comes down to voting against somebody or settling for the lesser of evils.

Several NFL teams, including the Bears, are entering the same sanctum by having to decide whether to settle for Mr. Moss.

Nobody should want somebody who proclaimed this week that he is the only person who can interview him the rest of the season.

Nor should a dubious wide receiver be attractive. Even a multimillionaire with Moss' baggage can't afford to check it all with an airline.

Yet after asserting all the negatives I still cast a vote for the Bears to pick up Moss at O'Hare once his departure from the Vikings is official.

If “Jackass 3-D” can take in $101 million at the box office over three weeks, there's a place for Randy Moss in the film room at Halas Hall.

Moss is raunchy, yes, but so is the hit sitcom “Two and a Half Men.” He's goofy, yes, but so is the successful “Blue Collar Comedy Tour.”

That's entertainment, folks. Not enjoying Moss' act is like not splitting your side over old Marx Brothers movies or slapping your knee at Congress.

There's a time and place for every clown to motor into town. This is Moss' time and Lake Forest is his place.

“Tippecanoe and Randy, too!” I say.

Sure this would be an act of desperation, but isn't desperation the season's theme at Halas Hall? Don't critics scream that Lovie Smith, Jerry Angelo and even Ted Phillips have to at least make the playoffs to secure their jobs?

The question is whether Moss can help them achieve the goal of continued employment. Possibly, I definitively say, but at the very least he would relieve us of the Monotony of the Midway.

Full disclosure: The Bears should hire Moss because he would wake up bored sports writers by spicing up the Bears' stale stew.

How interesting it would be to see whether Phillips, Angelo and Smith have established a locker-room culture capable of absorbing a whacko like Randy Moss.

We would find out whether Olin Kreutz remains ornery enough to slug some sense back into an irritating teammate like Moss.

We would be fascinated by Moss' self-interviews: Q.: Randy, what do you think of Lovie Smith? A.: Well, Randy, he's no Bill Belichick or Dick Jauron.

Overall, fans would be in a win-win situation because Moss would either help the Bears finish first in the NFC North or get everybody in management fired.

We're talking about a player who would be a distraction, a disruption and disrespectful to all who he comes in contact with.

But isn't being distracted, disrupted and disrespected exactly what the Bears need? Come to think of it, send Moss to Springfield, too.

Anyway, when Randy Moss rips the Bears' quarterback, offensive line and play calling, all those negative political ads will sound like lullabies.

So the conversation on this subject should go no further than this:

Q. Randy, will you make Halas Hall your next whistle stop?

A. Yes, Randy, I have voted to settle for the Bears.